The Internet Is Killing The Economy

I think a lot. I have been thinking about a lot of things. I have probably been thinking about too many things, because there are a lot of things going on in my life right now.

One major thing that I have been thinking about, that I think we have all been thinking about is the economy.



The country seems to be slowly climbing back out of this "downturn" in the economy, but sales are slow across the board. People just aren't buying. But, wouldn't you know it, have an explanation beyond the obvious, and more importantly, a solution.

It's not just consumer confidence that is down, but more importantly, consumer desire. We as a society are not clamoring for the same endless amounts of crap to fill the holes in our souls in the same way that generations of Americans before us were.

Why?

A majority of Americans have gotten pretty deep into the internet. I know I have. Now we are filling the holes in our souls with online role playing games, social networking, porn, blogging, and a laundry list of other widgets, gadgets, and applications that are all serving to distract us from buying real stuff. For many people this "Second Life" had already quickly become a first life taking up all the time that they might have spent shopping before. All it took was this economic crisis to cement the transition from the material world where most people are losers to the virtual online universe where anyone can be a king, a queen, an elf, or even an ogre king deep in the woods.

Why blow all your money on a new car when you are getting chicks by posting pictures of Chuck Norris riding a unicorn? Why buy a new stereo system when your earbuds plug straight into your laptop and sound great? Why worry about stylish new shoes when you already have a pair that you hardly ever use?

Maybe you are saying to yourself, "Hey, I don't play no faggy nerd role playing games. I ain't all sucked into the internet." Guess what. You are. Even people like you who want to pretend like they don't play role playing games are playing things like Maffia Wars on Facebook or engaging in something similar on the NASCAR community website.


Plus, if you are reading my blog, you are probably pretty deep into the internet already.

So what is the solution?

I know that companies have been pouring hundreds of millions if not billions of dollars into the internet, jockeying for search engine rankings, developing newer, slicker websites, and paying top dollar to have these very same games created to keep people coming back to spend more time on their site and in turn see more advertising. Damn that was a long sentence, and I didn't even mention porn. If you ask me, without porn, there would be no streaming videos etc. on the internet. Long story short, a lot of money has been put into building the internet up and getting people to get on it, and you know this man. But, if companies want to see people buying real stuff again, they are going to have to rally against the internet.

I recommend PSA's, pop up windows reminding people how long they have been online, big clocks on websites, celebrity endorsements against the internet, and if you want to get shady, paying off cable and phone companies for strategic network failures, slowdowns, and or viruses... if no one could get online the day after Thanksgiving... they might just go shopping.

We have to get people off the internet and get them to the mall! Unless, that is... they are checking out IdeasByChuck.com.

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P.P.S. I am now on Tumblr, so you can easily reblog me all over the place. Just be sure to go buy a new purse or watch afterwards.

P.P.P.S. Molly and I are still working on getting our own reality show. You aren't too late to the party. Go to BoyMeetsBlogger.com to find out more.

America's Goth Talent

Do you feel as if the spirit of Amalasuntha has forsaken you? Well, you aren't the only one. But thy luck is bound to change before the feast of the Beltane, if you are able to sell NBC on my new show idea: America's Goth Talent.

Sure, you might think that there are enough talent shows on TV right now what with American Idol, America's Got Talent, Dancing With The Stars, America's Next Top Model, Project Runway, So You Think You Can Dance, Top Chef, Who Wants To Be A Super Hero, and many others already on the air, but you would be wrong (sorry). None of these talent shows showcase talents such as ritualistic mutilation, suicide poetry, channeling demons, or endurance crying. There would be some crossover acts such as contortionists, sword swallowers, and flame jugglers, but really this would be the only place for many talented youngsters to shine, in a dark and brooding way of course.

I am not going to pretend that there haven't been shows before that have given us a glimpse into this world. Ripley's Believe It Or Not! hosted by Dean Cane definitely shined a sallow light into the dark underworlds of the goth subculture, but the it lacked the elements of competition and soul raping that the other competition shows reap and sow with every waning moon. Plus, Dean Cane, though a nice guy I am sure, came off as irrelevant, disconnected, and douchey as the host. I guess there was supposed to be a juxtaposition between Mr. Perfect and the freak-show, but it always just struck me as awkward.

I would tap Jim Rose to host the show. He has a little bit of experience with this kind of thing, and I think he can juggle.

One selling point that you can use when approaching NBC is the fact that they can use the same set and judges for America's Goth Talent as America's Got Talent. All they have to do is put some fake cobwebs up and use more spot lighting. David Hasselhoff already kind of looks like an old elven woman, the other guy has the British accent that all goth kids wish they had, and Sharon Osbourne is already practically a goth goddess.

Advertisers and sponsors would include the surgical stainless steal industry, leather, any cosmetic companies who sell cheap black eyeliner, gothic teddy bear manufacturers, colored contact manufacturers, fang manufacturers, and journal makers.

P.S. Subscribe to ideas by chuck, or I will send the demons of hell after you. Just kidding... or am I?

P.P.S. If you want to hear about the most boring and inane moments of my life, click here.

P.P.P.S. Marilyn Manson's song The Dope Show would be the perfect theme song for the show. Not just because Marilyn Manson is a major goth icon, but because it is one of his only songs that I have ever been able to listen to all the way through, and it is actually pretty catchy.

Disappearing Ink Cartridges

Sure, I know what some of you are thinking. You read the headline, and you are thinking that I have lost my edge. You are thinking that this is the stupidest thing you have ever heard of. Maybe you think I fell down some stairs into a tub of stupid. Maybe you want me to give up. Maybe you think I have lost my edge. Now you are really starting to believe that I have lost my edge because I have said it three times now.

Well, I hate to tell you this, but you are wrong. I said edge three times for good luck and for any U2 fans out there who might be searching for their guitar hero. Later on in this post I will even say guitar again, so that this blog post will show up as being very relevant for anyone searching for The Edge's guitar (there is a method to my madness). This is the most brilliant idea I have ever had.

Yeah, and let me tell you what the idea actually is before you start judging me and it.

Idea: print cartridges that are filled with ink that disappears completely after a certain and finite amount of time.

Why? What good would that do?



Most information these days is stored electronically, and many printed business documents are only actually relevant for a short period of time. If you had ink that would disappear after a certain amount of time, you could reuse some of the paper without having to actually expend the time, effort, and materials to recycle it.

Not a good enough reason for you?

How about this one?

Everyone these days is worried about identity theft and fraud. Wouldn't it put your mind at ease to know that documents such as bills with your personal information on them would not last for more than a couple of weeks? Aren't you sick of shredding documents? I know I am sick of hearing you shred documents.


This kind of thing could really give the first company to adopt it a real... edge. I know there are more than a couple of banks out there at the moment that could use this kind of advantage, but I wouldn't wait for them to do something smart like listen to me.

You should take this idea and run for it. Sure I don't have any chemical formulas to share with you, but if Jerky's Joke shop has a pretty good formula already, you can probably come up with something.

P.S. Check out the left side of the screen. Can you find the word, "subscribe" there?

P.P.S. I bet Bernie Madoff wishes he had used some of this disappearing ink in his records. He wouldn't have gotten caught by Andrew McCarthy and Jonathan Silverman. Oh, wait... hmmm.

P.P.P.S. If you want to get the most boring and inane updates on my life, click here.

Möbius Commercial

This is my Christmas gift to all my readers involved in advertising. I would have made it a Chanukah gift, but I was working through Chanukah and this is a little better than a new pair of socks. But, if you want to think of this as a late Chanukah gift, feel free.

Over the last couple of years I have seen more and more attempts at piggyback advertising, commercials advertising two or more different products in an attempt to save money on media buys by sharing the cost with one or more other companies or divisions of a company. You have probably seen one or two of these commercials even if you are blind, fast-forward through commercials, and don't have a TV.


A fairly recent, extreme, and in my opinion, ineffective example of said piggybacking is this preview/commercial staring Serena Williams and Hayden Christensen which advertises the 20th Century Fox movie Jumper, Microsoft Windows Vista, Outkast, Nike, The HP Pavilion Desktop Computer, and Serena Williams' clothing line. I probably missed a couple of advertisers, so you might just want to watch it for yourself.

Piggybacking in commercials and sharing media buys to cut back on cost is an excellent idea, but only when the ads are effective for all products involved. I believe that my new idea, the Möbius commercial, will fulfill the wishes and dreams of advertisers wanting to share the cost of some prime time air to get more bang for their buck.

Here is the short explanation of how this works.

Don't get it? Well, here is the long explanation along with an example.




The Möbius commercial would actually be two separate thirty second commercials for different products that share a similar or identical target demographic. These commercials are able to function separately or together, and together they loop back into each other infinitely.

Here is an example:

Title: Very QuikWii

Bob walks into the kitchen with a sad look on his face. Seth, a man in his late 20's, sits at a kitchen table stirring up a glass of Nesquik chocolate milk.


"What's wrong?"

"I'm sad."


The Bob sits down. Seth slides the glass of Nesquik towards him.


"Close your eyes... take a sip of this... and I'll take you to my happy place."


Bob closes his eyes, takes a sip, and smiles. He opens his eyes.


"That is delicious and chocolatey, but we are still in the kitchen."

"Wait for it."


Seth claps his hands. Funky music starts playing and two very shapely black women, Mary and Kiki, dance into the room wearing Nesquik bunny bikinis. They dance for Seth and Bob for a few moments.


Bob asks, "Do you guys want to go play Wii?"


They walk into the living room and Venus and Serena start to play Wii tennis.


"It's on!" Kiki announces.

"Girl, I move like Venus Williams."


Seth and Bob sit on the couch and enjoy watching the girls play.

They turn to each other and simultaneously announce, "Wii!"

The girls continue to play and taunt each other.

Seth stands up.


"I'm thirsty."


He walks out of the room, leaving Bob to watch the game by himself on the couch.

The game ends.


"Can I play?"


The girls turn and lean down towards Bob.


"Uhuh little man! This is best of nine."

"Yeah."


Bob gets up and walks out of the room looking very sad.

Bob walks into the kitchen with a sad look on his face. Seth, a man in his late 20's, sits at a kitchen table stirring up a glass of Nesquik chocolate milk.


"What's wrong?"

"I'm sad."


The Bob sits down. Seth slides the glass...



It never ends.

So? What's the big deal? And isn't that a minute anyway? Where are the savings?

This is something new and interesting that will get people talking, and various news outlets will most likely mention the ad, and or play it for free, especially if you buy some ridiculous airtime during the Super Bowl, say a two minute block of time so that you can show the commercials back to back to back to back. That is a lot of backs. The key to this whole thing is buying large chunks of time up front, and then weening down, so that eventually you are just showing the thirty second spots by themselves, but by the time you are showing them standing alone, enough people have seen them together that they are indelibly linked in the consumer's mind. When they see one, they think of the other and vice versa.

I am sure that you can come up with about a half a dozen other justifications and facts to support this idea when you are trying to sell some clients on it. I have several in the back of my mind that I don't want to bore people with.

P.S. Click here to subscribe to Ideas By Chuck before The Rapture.

P.P.S. If you are interested in producing my "Very QuikWii" spot on spec., let me know, as there may be several interested parties. I love parties.

P.P.P.S. For anyone that may doubt me, just remember Spuds McKenzie.

Black Bean Burger Boys

Are you a vegetarian? Why are you a vegetarian? Is it for geopolitical, socioeconomic, health, and environmental reasons, or do you just not like baby bunnies being bashed?

Well, if you are a vegetarian for the right reasons, which are a reduced carbon footprint and healthier arteries, and you want to start a profitable food franchise, then this idea is for you.

Start a fast food restaurant that sells veggie burgers, and ALMOST veggie burgers. The ALMOST is the important part. Don't try to pretend that you aren't using filler.
Exploit the fact that you are using filler. Make burgers that are mostly black bean, a compromise for those people who still need a little meat in their diet and on their tongue.

Sure, people will be reluctant at first, but because beans are cheaper than meat you can beat the competition on cost. Your burgers will be healthier, and just as tasty.

Then, on top of all of that, you push the green angle, and publicize how much better for the environment eating one of your burgers is compared to say, McDonald's or Burger King.

I can hear some of the slogans now.

"Black Beans, our burgers are good for you inside and out!"

"Black Bean Burger Boys, our burgers taste F'n good!"

"Black Beans: Great for your heart...no really."

With the cost of shipping beef from what used to be the rain forests of South America rising, someone is going to do this eventually, why not you?


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Soul Man 2

I don't think that this could possibly be produced, released, and distributed before this year's presidential election is over, but I think that the time is right for C. Thomas Howell to revive his famous character Mark Watson, AKA The Soul Man, for "Soul Man 2: Black To The White House."

Logline: "Soul Man" meets Barack Obama's campaign meets "Tootsie" meets "Tropic Thunder."

Synopsis: An older, wiser Mark Watson (C. Thomas Howell) sets out to prove to his wife Sarah Walker (Rae Dawn Chong) that a black man can become President of the United States. The only problem is that on such short notice, the most qualified black man he can find is himself.

His bid for election gets off to a rocky start, as Sarah and his campaign manager Professor Banks (James Earl Jones) don't completely agree with his method to prove equality.

His opponent, Graham Wellington (William Shatner) , suspects something fishy is afoot, and it isn't just the fish fry fundraisers that Watson is throwing. A spy in Watson's camp spills the beans and Wellington exposes him in their last debate.

This, of course, backfires and everyone happily votes for the white Watson, handing him one of the most decisive political victories in history.












I think you can probably get some funding from The National Endowment for the Arts, the Harvard Law Review, The National Lampoon (given that there is the promise of boobs on the DVD box cover), and Soul Glow.

Sure, my synopsis is a little rough around the edges, but the fact that the first "Soul Man" was produced is proof enough that, with a little elbow grease and shoe polish, you can get this made.

Get out there, and get funky.

P.S. Subscribing to Ideas By Chuck is the best way to stay in the loop. I have to work for money.

P.P.S. Reading old posts on Ideas By Chuck is almost as good as reading new posts, unless you have read them before.

Choco-Lock-Box

People love candy. We love to chew it, lick it, crunch it, and stick it in our mouths.

More specifically, we love chocolate. We love it. We love it. We love it, because it loves us.

Chocolate has been proven to trigger some of the same reactions in the human body as passionate kissing and feelings of love. Chocolate has also been proven to have various other beneficial health effects, so a little bit of chocolate is a good thing.

The problem is that sometimes this confusion of passion and calories gets people in trouble. We start eating a box of chocolates and can't stop. They keep calling to us like little, delicious, ebony, bitch, sirens, and we keep succumbing, sticking them in our mouths, and letting them do their damage on our hips, and fatty, fat, fat stomachs. We eat the whole bag, and then feel just as much remorse and shame, as the night after a drunken sex fest with a girl who turns out to be missing three toes on her left foot. You know what I am talking about.

This is where the Choco-Lock-Box would come in handy.

It would be a candy dispenser that would only dispense one or two pieces of chocolate or some other candy in a 24 hour time period.

You would fill it up, lock it up, and it would keep you on a strict candy ration, and you would only be able to open it again when all the candy was gone out of it.

I think that this is the little bit of self control help that most of us need, so get out there and invent it, sell it, make a million dollars, and send me some of that money, so that I can get a chick with all her toes...metaphorically speaking.

P.S. Subscribing to Ideas By Chuck is so rad. Whenever I ad a new post, you get to know about it right away. Plus, it is fun and easy.

P.S.S. You can get audio podcasts of Ideas By Chuck by clicking this link IBC AUDIO PODCAST

P.S.S.S. Keep your eye out on news stands for the November issue of Inventors Digest.

Springer Town

The world loves Jerry Springer. I love Jerry Springer. His show is a mirror on America that we can all examine ourselves in, shake our heads in disapproval, and pretend that the reflection isn't that, a reflection.

Some sort of twisted narcissism is what keeps us coming back for more, more Springer. We can't get enough Springer.

Here is my idea. Give us more Springer! Give us SPRINGER TOWN!

Someone, maybe one of my billions of readers, needs to produce a show very similar to Kid Nation(click the link if you don't know what Kid Nation is.), but instead of kids, all the contestants would be past Jerry Springer Show guests, a ghost town repopulated by Jerry Springer guests.


Jerry Springer could be the mayor trying to guide them towards harmony and a successful community, just like when he was the mayor of Cincinnati.

There would be a town council and tasks that they would need to accomplish to survive.

The prize each week would be the same as on Kid Nation, a gold star to represent a college fund.

Almost everything would be just like Kid Nation, but to spice things up a little, there would be paint ball guns thrown into the mix. High Noon Springer style! Also, they would be given the tools and knowledge to brew their own beer. Most of them probably already know how to brew crystal meth, so that shouldn't be much of a challenge for them.

I can hear the chant now.

Can you hear it?

Mayor Jerry! Mayor Jerry Mayor Jerry! Mayor Jerry! Mayor Jerry!

P.S. I think you all know that you should subscribe to Ideas By Chuck.

P.P.S. I have a messed up schedule, so you should probably subscribe to Ideas By Chuck if you don't want to miss out on any of my ideas.

P.P.P.S. Having Taylor from Kid Nation on this show too would not be such a bad idea.

Fast Forward Commercials

I was watching TV the other day - digital cable.

I had paused the program that I was watching for long enough that I was able to fast forward through most of the commercials.

I haven't really ever taken full advantage of this option. Maybe I like to watch the commercial, or maybe I am just a moron, conditioned to watch commercials. Either way, this was one of the first time I basically fast forwarded through all the commercials.

It got me to thinking, and guess what. I had another advertising idea. Yep, I had an idea.

Someone needs to produce some commercials specifically designed to be fast forwarded.

My initial thoughts on this are that the commercial should basically be either simply the company logo or an intriguing image. Basically, I would take print advertising and put it on TV.

This use of a static image combined with longer ad spots - 1min or longer instead of 20sec or 30sec spots - will get people's attention. They will check to see that they are still hitting fast forward and might even stop fast forwarding, thinking that it isn't working or something weird is going on.

I was also thinking that you could make a similarly visually dynamic commercial with movement. It would be in slow motion unless you were fast forwarding it. Sound is lost with fast forward, so it would need to be very visually dynamic.

The audio for these commercials could be either a mantra like, "Drink Coke," or just some music.

Mantras work. Just ask the people at Head-On. You apply directly to forehead.

The great thing about either of these concepts is that, at first, they will get attention whether viewers are fast forwarding or not, because they will be so different from the slick, fast paced, and cutty commercials that we are used to.

I really hope some of you advertising creatives out there take this idea and run with it. I can't wait forever for you to start your own super cutting edge advertising firm and hire me as a consultant.

Yeah, I'm talking to you.

P.S. Why haven't you subscribed to Ideas By Chuck? Are you trying to hurt my feelings?

Toothpaste Gum

I'm sure some of you are already shaking your heads.

Many gums have been released with claims that they will clean your teeth and that chewing gum is good for your teeth.

There is some truth to this. Chewing gum can knock loose food particles stuck between your teeth, and encourages your mouth to generate saliva etc., but in the end, chewing gum is bad for you. Chewing gum all the time makes you grind your teeth, and grinding your teeth is bad for your teeth. Just ask my teeth, or have your teeth ask my teeth.

Here is my idea: Chewing gum with toothpaste in the middle similar to Dentyne Flavor Blast gum.


You would chew the gum for only a minute or two and then spit and rinse. The toothpaste would be Crest or Colgate or one of the other major brands that have sprung up, so you would get the advantages of fluoride and all the other things that they have jazzed toothpaste up with, and because you have toothpaste in your mouth, you won't want to chew the gum for super long, which is what makes you grind your teeth.

If you work for a gum company or for one of the major toothpaste brands, listen up, because this is a win, win situation. The gum company will sell more gum because you chew it for less time. The toothpaste company sell more too via the gum. Moreover, the citizens of the world will have better looking and healthier teeth.

This could even end up helping out other industries, such as the makers of beef jerky. Think about it.

P.S. Subscribe to Ideas By Chuck. Really. No, really.

P.P.S. For those of you who want to check out my old ideas, but don't like to or can't read, I am now putting up podcasts of all my ideas. These podcasts are read by professional voice talent, my friend and confidant, Gray Harmon, and can be found here or on iTunes.

Cart Cowboys

I am sorry if any of you, my billions of loyal readers, thought that I had run out of ideas, or that something terrible had happened to me.

Have no fear. I was just taking a little Labor Day break to revel in the Frankenstein's Feelings breakthrough.

I am back with a great idea for any of you aspiring documentary filmmakers or reality TV bandits.

The idea: Cart Cowboys, a documentary/reality show about the men that lay their lives on the line to keep shopping carts in the parking lot of your local super market.

Many of you may not be familiar with the wandering shopping cart, but in my neighborhood they are all over the place, and stray carts have been multiplying in number as gas prices rise.

Sometimes they are befriended and taken care of by homeless people, but many time they are just left abandoned by the side of the road.

Luckily there are men out there, cowboys in their own right, who ride our streets and bring the stray carts back to the fold.

They are cowboys alright, cart cowboys, and I want to hear their story, so get out there and make a riveting documentary or a tacky Cops style reality show about these brave men.



FUN FACT: Shopping carts cost around $150.00 retail.

If someone can make a documentary entirely about a font, I am sure you can make a compelling and interesting documentary about Mexican guys who drive around in beat up trucks collecting shopping carts, fighting homeless, and dealing with the new technologies of an ever changing world (i.e. magnetic cart break anti-theft systems).

P.S. Subscribing to Ideas By Chuck might make you feel better about the world.

P.P.S. Click here to check out a Public Radio article about me.

P.P.S. Telling your friends about Ideas By Chuck will make them think that you don't just look up pornography on the internet.

Frankenstein's Feelings Blog

I have been writing this blog of mine, Ideas By Chuck, for about four months now. My ideas have been called genius by several publications. I have been on the radio twice (1st time 2nd time) to discuss my ideas, and I have an upcoming interview in Inventors Digest.

But...

I still haven't seen any progress on any of my ideas from you. I would think that one of my billions of readers would have the resources, the guts, the drive, or the desperation to take one of my ideas and make it reality.

I am not trying to make you feel bad. I have no right to try to make you feel bad. After all, I haven't made any of my ideas reality.

I think I just need to give you guys something totally doable, something I have done, because I know that once one person takes one of my ideas and has success with it, everyone will be racing to make all my other ideas reality.

Does that make sense?

Baby steps.

Here is the idea.

I came up with the idea for another blog called Frankenstein's Feelings. It would be more of a traditional blog outlining daily events, but written in Frankenstein's voice. No more than one paragraph. Here is a sample blog entry:

"Frankenstein go to mall. Mall crowded. Make Frankenstein mad! Frankenstein go to Foot Locker. Girl at Foot Locker cute. Frankenstein never get cute girl like her. Frankenstein like Cinnabon."

Each blog entry would be accompanied by a childlike drawing of something from the day.

I could totally write this blog, but I have too many other blogs to keep up, and I don't have any feelings, nor do I ever leave my apartment.

I checked on the domain FrankensteinsFeelings.com - totally available. If you want to help me out, you can even get your web hosting and domain registration from these guys - Globat.com I am trying to get them to pay me money.

You write this blog. You make blog big hit... Fire BAD!

P.S. You can still subscribe to Ideas By Chuck. Just click here.

P.P.S. If you start Frankenstein's Feelings, having a big link to Ideas By Chuck would be the right thing to do.