Friday, May 30, 2008

Bringin Snackin Back

Sometimes I have ideas, and I try to guess how long it will be before someone else thinks of them. I came up with, "Do you smell what Barack is cooking?" way before lame comedians or even the politician himself said it on WWE's Raw. My friend and I even had T-shirts printed up that said it. You can visit if, for some reason, you don't believe me.

This is one of those ideas. If some ad agency doesn't think this up sometime in the future or hasn't already thought it up, then I don't know what the world is coming to.

What's the idea?

An advertising campaign for crackers, staring Justin Timberlake and a modified version of his song, "Sexy Back," : "Snackin Back."

I think that Ritz Crackers are proabably the ideal fit for this campaign, so I have tailored all my wonderful visual machinations towards them. Ritz has always been a cracker of the people, poised to bridge the gap between sitting on your ass on the couch snacking, fun and casual snacking, and full-blown event snacking. Plus, Nabisco has the cash to pay for that snacking to be brought back.

Here are some lyrics that I worked up, though I am sure that Mr. Sexy Back himself could come up with some better ones.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give to you, "Snackin Back"!

[Verse 1]
We're bringing snackin back
Them other crackers don't know how to snack.
I think you're special what's behind your back?
So take a bite and i'll pick up the slack.
Take em' to the bash

Crispy Ritz
You see these shackles
Baby I'm your slave
I'll let you whip me if I misbehave
It's just that no one makes me feel this way

Take em' to the party

Come here cheese
Go ahead, be gone with it
Come to the snack
Go ahead, be gone with it
Go ahead, be gone with it
Drinks on me
Go ahead, be gone with it
Let me see what you're working with
Go ahead, be gone with it
Look at those chips
Go ahead, be gone with it
You make me smile
Go ahead, be gone with it
Go ahead taste
Go ahead, be gone with it
And get your snackin on
Go ahead, be gone with it

Get your snackin on
Go ahead, be gone with it


Get your snackin on

[Verse 2]
We're bringing snacking back
Them other crackers don't know how to snack
Come let me make up for the things you lack
Cause your hungry and you gotta eat it fast
Take em' to the bash



[Verse 3]
We're bringing snacking back
Them other crackers watch while we attack
If that's your girl you better watch your back
Cause she'll eat it up with me and that's a fact

Take em' to the party


All you musicians out there should feel free to record a demo of this and send it to me.

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Personal Chef Solution

If we all had personal chefs, no one would be unemployed.

Monday, May 26, 2008

Levitated Rail Line

Do you hate traffic? Do you wish that the public transportation was better where you live?

If there was a transportation system that could be built quickly with little disruption of current urban geography, while running with almost ninja like stealth upon completion, would you push for it to be built?

Well get ready to push, because I have the answer to many of the problems surrounding public transportation systems: dirigibles on guide wires. Let's call it, "levitated rail system" or "LRS."

A dirigible is an airship with a hard shell. The hard shell prevents the airship's shape from being altered by winds/air resistance, allowing the dirigible to fly faster and be built larger than a blimp.

I have used Los Angeles as an example, because we all know that Los Angeles has the most pathetic public transportation system of any major city.

These are the factors that I have identified that seem to have shaped the worthless Los Angeles public transportation system: geography, budget, public resistance, and corporate greed.

Geography: Los Angeles is subject to constant earthquakes. The levitated rail system would not carry the same dangers as any kind of actual railways traveling underground or on elevated rails. If there is an earthquake and any of the cabling breaks, the dirigibles will simply float up and away from the danger on the ground, to be piloted either manually or by remote control back to earth after the incident.

Budget: The LRS would cost less in the end because the infrastructure would be much simpler and easier to construct than any kind of traditional rail system. There would be no digging underground, no major demolition, and no building long stretches of elevated concrete structures. Towers to support the guild cables similar to cell phone towers and the cabling between them along with stations are the basic construction needs. Moreover, the budget can be offset by advertising sales and leasing space on the towers to cell phone companies.

Public Resistance: Since building this system would require very little intrusion into the existing urban landscape and would be very quiet and unintrusive in it's operation there will not be the kind of public resistance that would come along with the prospect of people being moved from their homes by virtue of eminent domain and other people finding a noisy, screeching train running next to or over their house. Furthermore, at this time most of the people in areas like Santa Monica who fought so heartily to stop any kind of rail from coming to their neighborhood, have either died or realized that they would be much better off if people rode a train to get to the beach rather than drive.

Corporate Greed: All the companies who in years past did everything in their power to hinder and destroy public transportation can no longer afford to open or subversive actions against public transportation or any other thing deemed good for the environment. In fact, many of these same companies may be enticed into funding the new system.

This system would be a good thing all around. And, even thought a city like Los Angeles doesn't really need more help with tourism, it would definitely be another tourist attraction for Los Angeles or something that would put any other city on the map.

This is what my LRS coverage map for Los Angeles would look like. Let's do it!

Friday, May 23, 2008

Clean Keyz

Look at your computer. Is it dirty? Do you feel like you just bought that laptop and now it looks like someone rubbed their skid-marked undies all over it?

Do you want to start a business that will require a very small initial investment, have low overhead, be easy to franchise, hard to screw up, and will make money like diamonds pooping gold? If you answered yes, then you my friend should start a computer and PDA cleaning and detailing service and call it, ohhhh, let's say Clean Keyz?

Do you want to make money?

Why haven't you stopped reading this and started trying to borrow money?

All you need is a quick turnaround time, and quality customer service. Supplies and materials for this type of operation would be very cheap, and finding employable emlpoyees shouldn't prove too difficult.

You can clean everything from laptops to phones. I have seen some dirty phones in my day...Not that kind of dirty.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

I Love Desilu

Don't ask me why, but I have been watching "Dancing With The Stars" on ABC, and even though Cristian de la Fuente did not win the trophy, I would have to say that he is the big winner in the end. His star stock just jumped 3000% in my book.

What is he going to do with this new cache? I don't know. What should he do? He should get his agent on the phone and have his agent throwing this idea out and around Hollywood as hard as he can. His agent should be spoon feeding this idea down peoples throats, not like a plane going into the hanger, but like a jet crashing into a mountain.

So what's the big idea?

He and his agent and any minor minion they can get on board should be pushing for Christian to star in a new TV show called "I Love Desilu," or possibly simply "Desilu," a dramedy along the lines of "30 Rock" meets "John Adams" meets, of course, "I love Lucy."

The show would follow the personal and professional missteps and accomplishments of the stars and staff at Desilu productions during the groundbreaking six season run of the original "I love Lucy" TV show. The original show made historic technological and stylistic advancements that are well documented in television history. Also well documented, is the beautifully rocky relationship between Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz. You can't tell me that there isn't a show that people will watch here.

I would cast Alyson Hannigan as Lucy. I think she has the comedic and dramatic acting chops to pull it off, and I think that with a little makeup and some hair plucking, pulling, curling, combing, and folding, she will be a dead ringer for the Lucy that we all love.

In my opinion, the show should run no more than six seasons, the same amount of time the original show ran. It will give the show more weight, quality, and respect. There is money to be made in DVD and download sales. The great part is that the DVDs can be packaged with DVDs of the original episodes, first season, first season.

It is all up to you Cristian de la Fuente. You can be the next Desi Arnaz. You can be bigger than him. This is my gift to you. I have served it up on a silver platter. Eat it. Get out there and beat some bongo drums. Shake your hips. Shout. Be so sexy that nothing can stop you.

Also, you might want to practice shouting, "Luuusay!"

Monday, May 19, 2008


This is one idea that you will have to pay me for, if you want to follow through on it. Why? Well, because I own the domain,, so if you want to make the website, you will need to buy the domain from me.

I came up with this idea a while back. Sometimes, when I am trying to come up with ideas, all I do is list several popular or successful services or products and then try to figure out a way to combine them all into one product. This is how was born. born into reality would be the first site to combine an interactive 3-D interface, erotic cheerleader role playing, and cab racing into the most powerful and entertaining online community auction site ever.

Think of the excitement! Who doesn't want to race around a virtual town picking up sexy cheerleaders, making friends, and finding great auction items to bid on around every corner? Learn cheers from the cheerleaders. Pick up fares for extra points. Tip your cabby to get him to go faster or "stop short". Pillow fights and strip poker in the back seat are never out of the question. Get an Oster blender for the right price, while finding out if Cindy is wearing bloomers. Watch out for that pot hole!

Consider the bidding for this domain name now open! Why would you want to be on the cutting edge, when you could be drawing the dotted line?

Friday, May 16, 2008

The Advertising Code

It seems like everything I try to do on the internet these days requires me to type in a "captcha" - a code - a sequence of numbers or a word. These captcha are always changing and distorted in some way to prevent someone from writing a computer program to read them. They are meant to prevent spam. If you don't know what I am talking about, you don't have a computer, and someone has printed this out for you to read.

What I see when I see all those squiggly letters and numbers is a missed advertising opportunity.

Why not have the letters and numbers say things? The sayings would have to rotate and be changed up weekly, but with multiple advertisers, I don't think it would be a problem to maintain the purpose of this security measure while also throwing in a little brand awareness.

Will advertisers go for it? Do you think Coke doesn't want someone not only reading, "coke smile" but also having to type it. The public won't just see the message, they will have to read it and think about it. The more I think about this, the more I think I should get some sort of advertising award for this idea.

Does this idea stop there? No. Let's take it to the next level. Let's take it to the decoder-ring-treasure-hunt level. As an example I will use and Fox. Fox owns

I run into tons of the captcha on Most of the people I know now have this security measure enabled to stop them from getting spam emails and comments. Why not have an ongoing treasure hunt? Let's call it the Fox/ "Fox Hunt." That is a cute name isn't it?

The captcha codes would be real codes that players could take and enter into a decoder at, say or just a page on The player would get a clue for every code entered. I am sure Fox has the money to pay people to figure a nice puzzle for people to have to solve. The prizes would, of course, all be passes to Fox movies, discounts on Fox DVDs, T-shirts with Fox characters on them, and so on.

Players will have to go to the website and see all kinds of great banner ads for Fox movies like "What Happens in Vegas" and "The A-Team." They also enter information about them self, if they want the prize. I would let people play anonymously until they win a prize. This will make people more likely to participate. Moreover, the game encourages people to post comments and email through This means they will spend more time on finding out when they are going to die and wining Xbox video game systems by deciding who should be president.

This is a great idea. Go out there, and sell your boss Tom on it.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Hospital Ceiling Advertising

Shortly after I graduated from college a took a job building tents in Miami. I worked with a crew of Welshmen, Germans, Ice Backs (illegal Canadian workers), and a couple of dudes from Atlanta like me.

Things were going fine until I backed off the edge of a grandstand, and I fell twelve feet onto my head (it was shortly after this that I invented the flux capacitor). Luckily, two ambulances quickly arrived. People thought that it was a mistake that two ambulances arrived, but it turned out that a man on the 7th green of the golf course we were working on had a heart attack at the same time that I fell on my head.

What is this all leading up to?

I ended up in a hospital emergency room laying on my back and staring at the ceiling for several hours, with brief interruptions by Indian resident doctors probing my anus with unlubricated, latex covered fingers. It was at this time that I came up with this idea. Why not have advertisements on the ceilings of Hospitals?

Imagine you are in a hospital, on your back, on a gurney, staring at the ceiling, and contemplating your own mortality. Wouldn't you like to have an inspirational poem, painting, word game, a nice magic eye image, or picture hunt to look at and think about? And, wouldn't you be thankful to say, Coca Cola or Johnson&Johnson for putting it there?

This same concept could be employed in dentists' offices as well.

Think of the benefits. The extra revenue brought in by ad sales could lower hospital visit costs without effecting the quality of care, generating positive PR for the hospital and the advertisers, this on top of the brand awareness and good will created by the ads themselves. The general public benefits, hospitals benefit, and advertisers benefit.

Let's all have a group hug.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

McDonalds On The Moon

I think we all know that the world's resources are rapidly dwindling. We are not going to be able to cut back on consumption and population growth enough to stop the violent economic and environmental collapses that are eminent if we continue on this course.

I can see only one solution. McDonalds needs to team up with Walmart, Coca Cola, GM, and Boeing to build the first human outpost on the moon along with a McDonalds and a Walmart.

How does this help the earth? There is no environment on the moon to destroy, no species to kill off, and plenty of land. Pollute it all you want, it will just make the view of the moon from earth more interesting. Millions of people could immigrate to the moon, taking a great deal of stress off of the global ecosystem.

Why does this make sense for McDonalds and friends? It makes sense for two major reasons. First, certain advantages in production and actual business. Production costs on the moon would be high at first, really high, but once the facilities and infrastructure were built McDonalds and Walmart could grow food in giant greenhouses, bathed in a constant summer sun. Imagine how big and fat cows and other livestock could grow in such a low gravity environment. Think of the alloys that GM and Boeing could produce and use in there products, and how production could be carried out with little regard to waste byproducts. Moreover, the major interest of the Walmart corporation has always been real-estate and they have been building new Walmart village prototypes across the country that combine a smaller Walmart store with apartments and other shops and restaurants. Finally, you can't have McDonalds fries and burgers without a coke to wash it all down. Why shouldn't these companies, the most recognizable brands in the world, want to be the most recognizable brands in the solar system? Second, Think of the publicity and good will it would generate for their brands. Think of the marketing campaigns, and new products it would spawn, the "McMoon Burger," "Solar Soda." From purely a PR and advertising standpoint, this makes sense financially. Think of the contests that McDonalds and Coke could run. Enter to win! Be the first person to have McDonalds fries on the moon!

The best part about this is that wherever McDonalds builds a McDonalds, Burger King and scores of other franchises are quick to follow. How could Pepsi let Coke be the only drink sold on the moon? How can Burger King only "BK" on earth? Moreover, they could not withstand the backlash that would come from not trying to set up shop on the moon. They don't care about the earth enough to colonize the moon to take the stress off of our fragile environment?
So what can we do? Talk about it. Call companies up. Email them. Write letters to McDonalds, Coke, Walmart. Write letters to newspapers. Those of you who are better writers than me, who understand what I am saying, rewrite this, expand the arguments, and send it out to everyone you know. Email your friends.

Get out there and start the ball rolling!

Saturday, May 10, 2008

Duet Of Destiny

Some ideas are so blatantly obvious that it is hard to convince one that they are no more than an idea. This is one of those ideas: a Dolly Parton, Willie Nelson duet. There isn't one.

I send this call for the duet of destiny out into the world. I know someone in Nashville is listening. Make it happen.

I would either like to hear them cover an old standard like "Hey Good Lookin" by Hank Williams or a new and mind blowing song. I am thinking a song about cell phone problems, a tale of miscommunication in the modern age. Maybe the duet could be used for a cell phone commercial.

Here are some lyrics I whipped up:

Dolly- Your cell phone's out of range out on the range and wide open skys of blue.

Willie- My cell phone's out of range out here on the range thinkin of your eyes of blue.

Dolly- Your cell phone's out but I know your heart hears me callin to you.

Willie- My provider's gonna change but I won't change the way I feel about you.

Thursday, May 8, 2008

Dog Trading Business

Some people are paying to have their dogs walked, babysat, watched, kept, and kenneled. Some people are paying to rent dogs to walk, pet, cuddle, kiss, and love, but only for a short and finite time. Why not bring these two groups together? Here is the long and short of the idea: a dog watching business and a dog rental business, one in the same. You rent the dogs that people are paying you to watch.

How great is this idea? One group of people is paying for a service that another group of people is paying to perform. The best part is that both groups of people get what they want. Moreover, the people paying for their dog to be watched are getting their dog watched by someone who genuinely cares and loves that dog (for a short and finite amount of time) instead of a disgruntled kennel employee making minimum wage and bored off his ass, willing to stick anything anywhere to pass the time.

Your name doesn't have to be Tom Sawyer to make this business work. If you live in NYC don't not make this idea a reality.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Magic Eye Porn

Who doesn't want 3-D pornography? Plus, have you ever wanted to look at pornography in public, but were scared some busybody would snoop on you? Well, magic eye porn is the answer. Sure someone can glance over your shoulder and see what you are looking at, but they won't have the time to cross and uncross their eyes before you close your magazine. Moreover, a large percentage of people, probably including your mom, can't ever seem to see the magical images hidden deep in the mystical patterns.

Sure, breasts covered in a pattern similar to that of a bad 70's tie may take some getting used to, but all things truly worth appreciating are acquired tastes.

Monday, May 5, 2008

Golden Girls Reunion Special

I know Sophia (Estelle Getty) has dementia and is no longer acting, but what better setting for a reunion show than a funeral.

Dorothy, Rose, and Blanche come together one last time at Sophia's funeral. Closed casket. She was hit by a bus.

The girls talk about their lives. Drama between children and grandchildren leads to wake and funeral hijinx. Rose says something about using marbles instead of quarters to weigh down the dead persons eyelids in St. Olaf. Blanche has sex with the minister, who, by the way, drives a Porche. Dorothy looks on disapprovingly. The will is read. Sophia asks for her ashes to be spread over her native Sicily, sending the girls on a Mediterranean cruise.

On the cruise, Dorothy is seasick, Rose finds new uses for life jackets, and Blanche has sex with the Captain, who, by the way, drives a Ferrari. There is obviously extreme potential for a Golden Girls/Love Boat crossover at this point. I think that a cameo by Ted Lange, a.k.a. Isaac the bartender is inevitable.

The girls rediscover their friendship and have some laughs along the way. They spread Sophia's ashes and hug, bathed in a deep red glow of the setting sun.

Saturday, May 3, 2008

Infinite Cell Phone Battery

Why don't we have cell phones that can recharge themselves? I think it is because the cell phone companies want the batteries to die. I think a large number of people just buy a new phone when their battery dies.

I propose two designs. In the first one, the battery would be half the size of a cell phone battery now and the saved space would be replaced with several small generators similar to the one in the everlasting flashlight. They would be oriented in several different directions so that every small movement of the cell phone would in turn result in power being generated. This design works on the same basic concept as the self winding watch. In fact the self winding watch mechanism could possibly be employed and modified into a small generator. The second design would be almost identical to that of the everlasting flashlight. It would simply be one single generator running the entire length of the phone. When the the user needs more power for their battery, they simply shake the phone vigorously for a minute or so.

I am sure that it would be possible to engineer everlasting batteries separate from the actual phone and so create an everlasting battery for every phone on the market.