Sunday, October 25, 2009

Toilet Terraforming

Lately, I've been working on tons of different projects, but every day I take time out to think, to ponder, to touch my oversoul... to think and reflect in my own way.

Where do I take this time? Do I go to the woods, to nature, as suggested by the traditional Transcendentalists?

No. I do my pondering on a much smaller pond than Thoreau's Walden. I do most of my really deep thinking in the same place and position as most of you... on the toilet.

Recently, I was philosophizing, and the oversoul reached out and touched me... Not like that! No... but it did touch me... deep down, and this idea came to me, this idea that has to be my single most viable and marketable idea to date. It combines two things that people love: gardening and pooping. Moreover, this idea promises to enrich and simplify people's lives with minimal effort. Everything I just said can be summed up with one symbol: $

What is this brilliant idea?

A planter that replaces the lid on the back of your toilet, allowing you to grow flowers or herbs in your bathroom, allowing you to get in touch with nature while you are getting in touch with your crossword puzzle, Uncle John's Bathroom Reader, and your deep philosophical ponderings.

I know. I know. You have no gardening skills at all. You have killed everything from ficus to ferns, from daisies to daffodils. You either overwater or forget to water your plants. Here in lies the beauty of this idea, you never have to water these plants! A wick hanging down into the toilet reservoir soaks up just the right amount of water to keep your bathroom garden perfectly watered.

Think about it. You could have a little herb garden or wonderful smelling flowers growing in your bathroom, acting as living potpourri. Try telling me people don't like potpourri. Go ahead try. You can't! People don't just like potpourri, they love the word, "potpourri." Next time you go to a party, drop the word, "potpourri," and see what happens.

Are you a naysayer? Do you think this idea won't sell? Try telling that to the guys who invented the Chia Pet. They will laugh in your face, take this idea, and make another couple of million dollars, because the price points are perfect and this idea has that kitschy quirky "it factor."

In my research for this, I came across a self contained herb garden selling for $180.00. If there are people out there dropping that kind of cash on herbs that you can't smoke, then I know you can move at least a million units of the Toilet Gardener® for $19.95 at Walgreens or $59.99 at Brookstone.

Don't let the Chia Pet guys laugh in your face. Take this idea and make millions of dollars with it... and send me some of that money, or at least a complimentary Toilet Gardener®, so I can rename my toilet, Chuck's Pond.

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P.P.P.S. I have a movie script about vampires. Vampires are so hot right now. If you are the head of a major studio or a not so major studio looking for some new vampire blood, let me know.

P.P.P.P.S. As you can see, I did find one reference to a retro toilet designed to hold a plant, but I am sure that the self watering mechanism was not a part of their design, and that is the genius part of this idea.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Megan Fox Saves The Day

This is another one of my ideas that is a little less about personal gain, and a little more about furthering mankind's journey towards the goals of humanism and building a better, stronger society. I want to make the world a better place, and I know many of you feel the same way. Think of me as an NPR underwriter with no money.

But, enough about me being a bankrupt philanthropist. I have figured out a way that California can solve it's current budget crisis, saving thousands of jobs, ensuring continued funding for social programs, and maybe helping some little kids learn how to read, because even though it is possible to teach yourself how to read, it helps to have a teacher.

Now, I know many of you are smart enough not to live in California. That's okay. I am sure that California isn't the only state with budget problems, and if your state has a lottery, you can try to make this happen there too. I am just going to use California for this post because I live here, and so does Megan Fox... not together... yet...

Here is the idea: Lotto scratch tickets featuring semi-tasteful nude photos of Megan Fox. Semi-tasteful, because everything Megan Fox does is semi-distasteful, and we love it.
You would scratch to reveal her naked body. There would be several different photos. The photos could be printed as silver holograms, so people couldn't scan or photograph them easily. Only 1 in 5 would actually show her naked body. All the others would either be winners, or you would find her in a sexy lingerie. This would encourage people to buy multiple tickets.

Of course, it doesn't necessarily have to be Megan Fox, but she is the sexy chick of the moment, and I feel like, for a couple of hundred thousand dollars, she would be interested in helping little kids learn to read. After all, if they can't read, they can't read her amazing quotes. Plus, this might help her make some friends.

"I have no friends and I never leave my house." - Megan Fox, Times of London, June 2009

Think about it. You have to be 18 to buy lotto tickets and pornography, so you wouldn't have to send out any special memos to 7-11 workers. These tickets would have a certain amount of collectibility. People who wouldn't normally buy lotto tickets would buy these for the novelty etc. California has already tried to broaden their lotto market by teaming up with the entertainment industry, selling scratch tickets featuring bands like the Seal and the Goo Goo Dolls (yeah really) and movies like Mad Money. I know that I am not just speaking for myself, when I say that I would choose a naked Megan Fox over a turtlenecked Diane Keaton any day.
Even better than expanding the market here in California, there would be a secondary market for already scratched tickets on the internet, selling to Megan Fox fans all over the world, so this would bring money into California, not just act as a voluntary tax. The collectibility factor might even lead to tickets being purchased and never being scratched.

Now, I know some people are going to have a problem with this, but those are the same people who already have a problem with the lottery. Yeah, yeah, gambling is a sin. Nudity is a sin... Oh wait... Is it? Really? Where does it say that in the Bible?

Make this happen and you will make a lot of people happy... a lot. Make it happen! Do it!

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P.P.S. I am on Twitter: @ideasbychuck

P.P.P.S. Megan Fox, I am single, so if you ever decide you want to drop the B.A.G., look me up.

P.P.P.P.S. Sometimes, people forget to look at all my past great ideas. There could be an idea just waiting for you!

P.P.P.P.P.S. If Megan Fox won't do it, I am available.