Texting Implants

I have been on Twitter for a while now, and the most amazing thing to me about Twitter is the fact that Shaq tweets. This does not amaze me because he is a pro athlete, or because he never struck me as someone that had all that much to say, but because he tweets from his phone. If I have trouble texting and twittering on my phone with my little fingers, I can't imagine what it is like for him with his giant thumbs. You can't be a giant without giant thumbs. Trust me on this one. I looked it up.

Maybe he has an assistant to whom he dictates his tweets. Maybe he has some sort of special Jitterbug/Sidekick hybrid. Maybe he pays his cousin Larry to tweet for him. Who knows?

I have tried to ask him how he does it, but he has never responded, which makes his twittering even more suspect, but that is really beside the point.

All I know is that unless he has a little Orlando Magic left or Kazaam was actually a documentary, Shaq is not texting without making more than a few errant key strikes.

The main point is that Shaq got me thinking about how to make texting etc. easier for people with big, meaty thumbs like me... me and Shaq.

What did I come up with? What is my idea?

Teflon implants that go under the skin of the thumb to create a raised bump, allowing for easier texting with little or no inconvenience and or maintenance.

Is this taking texting too far? Is this turning twittering into torture?

Some of you are probably asking these questions, and some of you probably think that this is crazy talk. Maybe you don't believe that anyone would ever want to undergo a surgical procedure to enhance their texting skills. I would like to feel the same way, I really would, but have you seen the surgical procedures that people are getting for no apparent reason, for no practical benefit?


People are getting everything from calf implants to horns. Horns. If there is someone out there making money on horn implants, then I think you can easily turn this idea into cold hard cash. Of course, the devil is in the details (don't know if that was a pun or just cheese factor). Perfecting the process and making it affordable is the key.


There is a market for this. Make it happen. Make lots of money, and really, seriously, please don't forget to think about sending me some.

P.S. Virtually all the words and phrases on the SideShaq phone were taken from his Twitter.

P.P.S. Not so very long ago, I got to hang out with someone much smarter than me, Mo Rocca. Here is proof.

P.P.P.S. I know I just said that people are getting implants for no reason. I would like to say that I do support some types of implants, even if they serve no practical purpose.

P.P.P.P.S. You know how you can find out about all my new ideas with little or no inconvenience? Yeah, subscribe. Click here to subscribe.

Toilet Terraforming

Lately, I've been working on tons of different projects, but every day I take time out to think, to ponder, to touch my oversoul... to think and reflect in my own way.

Where do I take this time? Do I go to the woods, to nature, as suggested by the traditional Transcendentalists?


No. I do my pondering on a much smaller pond than Thoreau's Walden. I do most of my really deep thinking in the same place and position as most of you... on the toilet.

Recently, I was philosophizing, and the oversoul reached out and touched me... Not like that! No... but it did touch me... deep down, and this idea came to me, this idea that has to be my single most viable and marketable idea to date. It combines two things that people love: gardening and pooping. Moreover, this idea promises to enrich and simplify people's lives with minimal effort. Everything I just said can be summed up with one symbol: $

What is this brilliant idea?


A planter that replaces the lid on the back of your toilet, allowing you to grow flowers or herbs in your bathroom, allowing you to get in touch with nature while you are getting in touch with your crossword puzzle, Uncle John's Bathroom Reader, and your deep philosophical ponderings.

I know. I know. You have no gardening skills at all. You have killed everything from ficus to ferns, from daisies to daffodils. You either overwater or forget to water your plants. Here in lies the beauty of this idea, you never have to water these plants! A wick hanging down into the toilet reservoir soaks up just the right amount of water to keep your bathroom garden perfectly watered.


Think about it. You could have a little herb garden or wonderful smelling flowers growing in your bathroom, acting as living potpourri. Try telling me people don't like potpourri. Go ahead try. You can't! People don't just like potpourri, they love the word, "potpourri." Next time you go to a party, drop the word, "potpourri," and see what happens.

Are you a naysayer? Do you think this idea won't sell? Try telling that to the guys who invented the Chia Pet. They will laugh in your face, take this idea, and make another couple of million dollars, because the price points are perfect and this idea has that kitschy quirky "it factor."

In my research for this, I came across a self contained herb garden selling for $180.00. If there are people out there dropping that kind of cash on herbs that you can't smoke, then I know you can move at least a million units of the Toilet Gardener® for $19.95 at Walgreens or $59.99 at Brookstone.

Don't let the Chia Pet guys laugh in your face. Take this idea and make millions of dollars with it... and send me some of that money, or at least a complimentary Toilet Gardener®, so I can rename my toilet, Chuck's Pond.

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P.P.S. I am on Twitter - @ideasbychuck

P.P.P.S. I have a movie script about vampires. Vampires are so hot right now. If you are the head of a major studio or a not so major studio looking for some new vampire blood, let me know.

P.P.P.P.S. As you can see, I did find one reference to a retro toilet designed to hold a plant, but I am sure that the self watering mechanism was not a part of their design, and that is the genius part of this idea.

The HoverDuster

If there is one thing in this world that I hate unabashedly with great passion, it is dust. I hate dust! I hate it more than anything in my day to day life. I hate dust more than the thought of another Transformers movie.

A couple of months ago I decided to try to figure out a way to defeat dust, and thoughts of dust have been consuming my mind for the last couple of months. Dust. Dust. Dust.

Many dusty thoughts have gone through my mind in the last couple of months. I have thought of everything from a spray on shield that you could peel off your possessions like a snake shedding it's skin to simply killing everyone in the world, since %90 of dust is actually human skin... but most of my ideas seemed a bit... impractical, not to mention immoral.

Then I started thinking about the Roomba. You have all seen the commercials for the Roomba or known some single guy with too much money from winning Merv Griffin's Crosswords, who bought one to feel like he was in Star Wars.





Though I have to admit that the Roomba is much more effective and durable than it might seem, it is still only really effective for already anal people who live alone in single level apartments with hardwood floors. It's not going to deal well at all with big cereal spills, lots of dirt, shag carpet, or little kids.

But, imagine a robotic blimp duster with Roomba-like programing floating through the air, constantly dusting your furniture (if you have been working on this concept for 3 years and have written your post doc dissertation on indoor wind currents effects on autonomous robotic sensor arrays, I am sorry)! Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the HoverDuster.

Maybe you don't think that a blimp can move with enough agility to do the job. Maybe you should watch this video of a flying saucer blimp narrated by a guy with a lisp.


Wasn't that cool? If this guy can make a flying saucer that can reign down business cards like manna from heaven, I am sure you can get the HoverDuster up and running... though it might take the brains of a couple of Roombas and kidnapping a couple of kids from MIT or Caltech.

If you can get the HoverDuster into stores and on sale for under $100.00 by this Christmas, you will sell millions of them. I will even buy one if you aren't classy enough to send me one along with a couple of million bucks. The Go-Duster is your strongest competition. Come on.

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P.P.S. Cameron Balloons and DragonFly are two companies to approach about teaming up to make the HoverDuster a reality.





P.P.P.S. The fact that the paparazzi aren't using this thing to get pictures of Tom Cruise making out with dudes is substantial proof that the whole clash between the paparazzi and celebrities is manufactured.

P.P.P.P.S. If you work at iRobot makers of the Roomba, you should really bring this idea up in your next meeting. If you don't, then I don't think you are smart enough to be working at a robot company.

P.P.P.P.P.S. I am taking over Twitter. Follow me.

Disappearing Ink Cartridges

Sure, I know what some of you are thinking. You read the headline, and you are thinking that I have lost my edge. You are thinking that this is the stupidest thing you have ever heard of. Maybe you think I fell down some stairs into a tub of stupid. Maybe you want me to give up. Maybe you think I have lost my edge. Now you are really starting to believe that I have lost my edge because I have said it three times now.

Well, I hate to tell you this, but you are wrong. I said edge three times for good luck and for any U2 fans out there who might be searching for their guitar hero. Later on in this post I will even say guitar again, so that this blog post will show up as being very relevant for anyone searching for The Edge's guitar (there is a method to my madness). This is the most brilliant idea I have ever had.

Yeah, and let me tell you what the idea actually is before you start judging me and it.

Idea: print cartridges that are filled with ink that disappears completely after a certain and finite amount of time.

Why? What good would that do?



Most information these days is stored electronically, and many printed business documents are only actually relevant for a short period of time. If you had ink that would disappear after a certain amount of time, you could reuse some of the paper without having to actually expend the time, effort, and materials to recycle it.

Not a good enough reason for you?

How about this one?

Everyone these days is worried about identity theft and fraud. Wouldn't it put your mind at ease to know that documents such as bills with your personal information on them would not last for more than a couple of weeks? Aren't you sick of shredding documents? I know I am sick of hearing you shred documents.


This kind of thing could really give the first company to adopt it a real... edge. I know there are more than a couple of banks out there at the moment that could use this kind of advantage, but I wouldn't wait for them to do something smart like listen to me.

You should take this idea and run for it. Sure I don't have any chemical formulas to share with you, but if Jerky's Joke shop has a pretty good formula already, you can probably come up with something.

P.S. Check out the left side of the screen. Can you find the word, "subscribe" there?

P.P.S. I bet Bernie Madoff wishes he had used some of this disappearing ink in his records. He wouldn't have gotten caught by Andrew McCarthy and Jonathan Silverman. Oh, wait... hmmm.

P.P.P.S. If you want to get the most boring and inane updates on my life, click here.

Drunk Girl Car Alarm

Recently, my sister inherited a white '95 Pontiac Bonneville. It is in very nice condition, low milage, power everything, and an up-to-date service record from the dealership (No, I am not trying to sell you, my adoring readers, a car). It even has keyless entry and a car alarm, a car alarm so sensitive that it goes off if someone even looks at the car.

Don't know why, but I haven't known anyone with a car alarm in a while. Maybe everyone who really cares about their car has LoJack or Onstar now. Maybe The Club really is effective even when you just leave it sitting on your floor board 90% of the time. Or, maybe I haven't been around a car with a car alarm in a while because they are completely useless and ineffective.

When was the last time you heard a car alarm going off and even thought about going to investigate. Most people hate car alarms, and if you are someone who doesn't hate car alarms and think they are stupid, then you are either deaf or are some sort of electro-taint club DJ always looking for a new beat, a new sound... a new sound man... bro.

Guess what. Guess.

That's right, I have an idea for a more effective car alarm. I call it the Drunk Girl Car Alarm, and you probably already see where this is going. This car alarm would play a recording of two drunk girls giggling and yelling at each other.

"I AM SOOOOO DRUNK!"

"Becky Sue! Put your TOP back on...yur notgunna get laid tonight! Hahaha! What'r'you'doin? Hahaha!"

"Can you see my thong? Can you? Hahaha... I shouldn't have had all those Jello shots! Damn! I wish Beau was here... Where's Smitty and that black Mustang of his? Hu!"

"Hahaha! I can't waito getoutof these clothes...TAMMY! You want'm'to grab yur boob? FINE! Hahaha!"


If there are any guys within a half mile when these phrases are shouted with a slurred Southern accent, they will come to investigate. It's primordial instinct. This "Siren" call will be much more effective than any beeping, blaring, blubbering horn you could ever orchestrate. Plus, the kind of guys that are really going to flock to this... well...

You can make this a reality. You can make millions of dollars. And, if you are a good person, you can send me some of that money to say thanks.

You could find dozens of research papers and psychology books to support and explain the validity of this idea, but here are some sales points to bring up when you are trying to get start up money from venture capitalist angle investors (AKA your Mom and Dad).

1. You catch more flies with honey.

2. Women are told to yell "FIRE" instead of rape.

Make this happen!

P.S. I am still writing this blog, so you should still be subscribing to it... if you like me and aren't mean.

P.P.S. If you want to read my father's obituary it is here. It is hard to boil a life down into a couple of paragraphs. Try it sometime.

Choco-Lock-Box

People love candy. We love to chew it, lick it, crunch it, and stick it in our mouths.

More specifically, we love chocolate. We love it. We love it. We love it, because it loves us.

Chocolate has been proven to trigger some of the same reactions in the human body as passionate kissing and feelings of love. Chocolate has also been proven to have various other beneficial health effects, so a little bit of chocolate is a good thing.

The problem is that sometimes this confusion of passion and calories gets people in trouble. We start eating a box of chocolates and can't stop. They keep calling to us like little, delicious, ebony, bitch, sirens, and we keep succumbing, sticking them in our mouths, and letting them do their damage on our hips, and fatty, fat, fat stomachs. We eat the whole bag, and then feel just as much remorse and shame, as the night after a drunken sex fest with a girl who turns out to be missing three toes on her left foot. You know what I am talking about.

This is where the Choco-Lock-Box would come in handy.

It would be a candy dispenser that would only dispense one or two pieces of chocolate or some other candy in a 24 hour time period.

You would fill it up, lock it up, and it would keep you on a strict candy ration, and you would only be able to open it again when all the candy was gone out of it.

I think that this is the little bit of self control help that most of us need, so get out there and invent it, sell it, make a million dollars, and send me some of that money, so that I can get a chick with all her toes...metaphorically speaking.

P.S. Subscribing to Ideas By Chuck is so rad. Whenever I ad a new post, you get to know about it right away. Plus, it is fun and easy.

P.S.S. You can get audio podcasts of Ideas By Chuck by clicking this link IBC AUDIO PODCAST

P.S.S.S. Keep your eye out on news stands for the November issue of Inventors Digest.

Toothpaste Gum

I'm sure some of you are already shaking your heads.

Many gums have been released with claims that they will clean your teeth and that chewing gum is good for your teeth.

There is some truth to this. Chewing gum can knock loose food particles stuck between your teeth, and encourages your mouth to generate saliva etc., but in the end, chewing gum is bad for you. Chewing gum all the time makes you grind your teeth, and grinding your teeth is bad for your teeth. Just ask my teeth, or have your teeth ask my teeth.

Here is my idea: Chewing gum with toothpaste in the middle similar to Dentyne Flavor Blast gum.


You would chew the gum for only a minute or two and then spit and rinse. The toothpaste would be Crest or Colgate or one of the other major brands that have sprung up, so you would get the advantages of fluoride and all the other things that they have jazzed toothpaste up with, and because you have toothpaste in your mouth, you won't want to chew the gum for super long, which is what makes you grind your teeth.

If you work for a gum company or for one of the major toothpaste brands, listen up, because this is a win, win situation. The gum company will sell more gum because you chew it for less time. The toothpaste company sell more too via the gum. Moreover, the citizens of the world will have better looking and healthier teeth.

This could even end up helping out other industries, such as the makers of beef jerky. Think about it.

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P.P.S. For those of you who want to check out my old ideas, but don't like to or can't read, I am now putting up podcasts of all my ideas. These podcasts are read by professional voice talent, my friend and confidant, Gray Harmon, and can be found here or on iTunes.

Vibrating Yoga Ball

As always, I have not done a patent check, or super extensive research, but if my trusty friend google stays true, this has not been invented, or in the very least, is not on the market yet.

That said, if none of you take this idea and make millions off of it, I will lose faith in what I am doing. I will give up on this blog and move to Colorado to work as swing-set repair man.

Here is the idea.

Everyone loves yoga balls. They are great to do sit-ups and other exercises on, and they are great when it comes to stretching out your back. Stretching is important for muscle recovery and overall body health. A gentle massage is also beneficial to muscles etc. I am just talking out of my ass here, but I am sure that you can go dig up about a thousand studies that will back me up.

Why not combine the yoga ball with a massager?

Simple.

I thought of a couple of different ways to do this, though you might be able to come up with a better design.

What I came up with is a vibration cradle for the ball to sit in. This way the cradle can plug into the wall, but you can still take the ball off the cradle and use it for exercises that need more ball movement.


I also think that the best way to make the ball vibrate is with a powerful deep bass speaker. This way, if you chose, the unit could interface with your computer, iPod, or iPhone, and vibrate to the beats of your favorite underground dark side London bass dance vampire trance music, while you stretch or work out.

I really think that this is a great idea. If you take this and make this, you will become a millionaire, possibly a billionaire. It would be great if you could send me some of that money. Just a little bit. I need to hire a personal trainer.

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P.P.P.S. If you are working on bringing one of my ideas into reality, I would love to know. Please write me or leave a comment letting me know, letting all of us know how it is going.

Magnetic Cleaning

The stupid inventions are always the ones that make tons of money. The hamster ball has made the inventor millions. Do you wish that you had a stupid invention to perfect, patten, and produce? Well, today is your lucky day. I have just such an invention for you, the magnetic windshield cleaning system.

Don't you hate trying to reach your hand down into those hard to reach places on the inside of your car windshield? There has to be an easier way!

Now there is.

The magnetic windshield cleaning system. One magnet with cleaning pad goes on the inside. One magnet goes on the outside. Move the magnet on the outside and magneto-magically the magnet on the inside moves.

Windshields that might have taken up to five minutes to clean before, now take only minutes!

All kidding aside. I think that someone could make a ton of money off of this idea. The same concept has been employed to clean aquariums for years.

Don't be a fool. Make money the magneto-magical way!

P.S. Here is an idea. Subscribe to my blog. I don't have a normal job where I can update my blog on a regular basis from my throne, so you should subscribe and get notified every time I update. Just an idea.

Infinite Cell Phone Battery

Why don't we have cell phones that can recharge themselves? I think it is because the cell phone companies want the batteries to die. I think a large number of people just buy a new phone when their battery dies.

I propose two designs. In the first one, the battery would be half the size of a cell phone battery now and the saved space would be replaced with several small generators similar to the one in the everlasting flashlight. They would be oriented in several different directions so that every small movement of the cell phone would in turn result in power being generated. This design works on the same basic concept as the self winding watch. In fact the self winding watch mechanism could possibly be employed and modified into a small generator. The second design would be almost identical to that of the everlasting flashlight. It would simply be one single generator running the entire length of the phone. When the the user needs more power for their battery, they simply shake the phone vigorously for a minute or so.


I am sure that it would be possible to engineer everlasting batteries separate from the actual phone and so create an everlasting battery for every phone on the market.