Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Drunk Girl Car Alarm

Recently, my sister inherited a white '95 Pontiac Bonneville. It is in very nice condition, low milage, power everything, and an up-to-date service record from the dealership (No, I am not trying to sell you, my adoring readers, a car). It even has keyless entry and a car alarm, a car alarm so sensitive that it goes off if someone even looks at the car.

Don't know why, but I haven't known anyone with a car alarm in a while. Maybe everyone who really cares about their car has LoJack or Onstar now. Maybe The Club really is effective even when you just leave it sitting on your floor board 90% of the time. Or, maybe I haven't been around a car with a car alarm in a while because they are completely useless and ineffective.

When was the last time you heard a car alarm going off and even thought about going to investigate. Most people hate car alarms, and if you are someone who doesn't hate car alarms and think they are stupid, then you are either deaf or are some sort of electro-taint club DJ always looking for a new beat, a new sound... a new sound man... bro.

Guess what. Guess.

That's right, I have an idea for a more effective car alarm. I call it the Drunk Girl Car Alarm, and you probably already see where this is going. This car alarm would play a recording of two drunk girls giggling and yelling at each other.


"Becky Sue! Put your TOP back on...yur notgunna get laid tonight! Hahaha! What'r'you'doin? Hahaha!"

"Can you see my thong? Can you? Hahaha... I shouldn't have had all those Jello shots! Damn! I wish Beau was here... Where's Smitty and that black Mustang of his? Hu!"

"Hahaha! I can't waito getoutof these clothes...TAMMY! You want'm'to grab yur boob? FINE! Hahaha!"

If there are any guys within a half mile when these phrases are shouted with a slurred Southern accent, they will come to investigate. It's primordial instinct. This "Siren" call will be much more effective than any beeping, blaring, blubbering horn you could ever orchestrate. Plus, the kind of guys that are really going to flock to this... well...

You can make this a reality. You can make millions of dollars. And, if you are a good person, you can send me some of that money to say thanks.

You could find dozens of research papers and psychology books to support and explain the validity of this idea, but here are some sales points to bring up when you are trying to get start up money from venture capitalist angle investors (AKA your Mom and Dad).

1. You catch more flies with honey.

2. Women are told to yell "FIRE" instead of rape.

Make this happen!

P.S. I am still writing this blog, so you should still be subscribing to it... if you like me and aren't mean.

P.P.S. If you want to read my father's obituary it is here. It is hard to boil a life down into a couple of paragraphs. Try it sometime.


Anonymous said...

correct! car alarms are completely ineffective.... so late 80s

when they put out those compilation Hits From the 80s discs, they should include a couple car alarm tracks as that will take you back just as quickly as a Wham! hit

Anonymous said...

maybe car alarms are going off all the time we just don't notice anymore, like the hum of your fridge or the sound of kyle monaogue playing a Ross... it's part of life's wall paper and we don't see it anymore

Anonymous said...

"AT Ross" i meant... sorry i lost the tip of my left index finger over the christmas holiday when i was trying to pry some dried yams off a corningware dish with a sharp knife... there was egg nog involved, but it did get me out of doing the rest of the christmas dishes... i'm just having trouble typing... which is not great when you are in data entry like me

Anonymous said...


I think you're brilliantly funny, and now I guess I know why. It's in your genes.

I'm sorry to hear about your dad passing. Having only read a few paragraphs about him, he seemed like a genuinely good man. Genuinely.

So now, let's honor his memory with many more insanely clever, Ideas by Chuck™.

My condolences.

Charles McCarthy said...

Thanks Stevie.

Here is a letter that one of his customers sent to the local newspaper about my father.

Also, I am going to be on CNN Headline News this weekend on News To Me.

I wish my dad and uncle were around to see it.

Anonymous said...

This is actually a great idea and I may try working on doing a voice over and see how it does.

I will keep you posted on this.


Anonymous said...

I saw you this morning on CNN ~
And after exploring your blog ...
I'm amazed Adult swim hasn't scooped you up by now -
You are totally one of them!

Anonymous said...

HI Cuck

Have you got any idea for belt buckle ? similar to

let me know


Anonymous said...

they're like int'l stars... what is this, it's like one of five... to be honest, i don't give a f... why won't these guys hire me... errrgh... the little kid is gross... if you go to atlanta, you should play with my band... they kill hipsters... the problem is, half of them have real jobs... i was the backup lead singer by demand... who took the toilet paper?... your kind of humor... it's fuclking hilarious... it's raw shit... hobby holes.

Unknown said...

Chuck you are so cool, all those years of my torturing you paid off. You truly are one of the most incredible people I know. And not just because we are related. Please can I be drunk girl?

Unknown said...

Years ago I thought of a "Domestic Violence" house alarm where as when a burglar breaks in the alarm sounds like a rabid husband beating his wife in a different room... hopefully this would scare the criminal into thinking he's toast & or maybe even he'd call the cops and flee.

I am also a fan of leaving everything unlocked and taping a note to the door that reads, "be back in 5 minutes, Tyrone" as that would be a deterrent b/c the criminal may not know if Tyrone left 4 minutes ago and is due back any sec (and expecting surly intimidating guests being as people that hang out with Tyrones are usually big and mean).

Sassy Mohen said...

This is a fantastic idea! I love your sense of humor!

(From the On the Verge girl)

Car Alarms said...

But what is the way to protect car