Monday, January 5, 2009

Cute Cure For Cancer

We need to find a cure for cancer.

Duh! Right?

The problem with cancer is that everyone forgets about it, like that rat inside your walls that doesn't bother you during the day, but at night it comes out and bugs the hell out of you, scratching and clawing around, scurrying furiously through the bowels of your home causing havoc and forcing you to imagine its little claws grubbing over the inside of your thighs. You want to get up and smash a hole in the wall, but you are in your boxers and just want to get some sleep. Then, when you wake up the next morning, you are tired, but you have forgotten about the rat until the next night.

Maybe you are sitting there muttering something about you not being that kind of person. Fine. You are the kind of person who would kill that rat right away, or have taken certain measures to prevent the rat from getting inside your walls.

Guess what.

It doesn't matter how many miles you swim or how many acia berries you gnaw on, if you live long enough, you are going to get cancer. You are going to get cancer. I am going to get cancer. Everyone gets cancer. It's just a matter of time, for me approximately 35 years from now... no... now. No. Okay, okay, start counting... now!

How do I know?

Well, my father, Charles McCarthy Jr. and uncle, Joseph McCarthy just died one week apart from each other from a hodgepodge of cancers. My uncle was 64 and my father was 71. My dad had been fighting cancer for about 5 years. He started with breast cancer, yes breast cancer.

Yep, I have 35 years, so all of you oncologists, 5k runners, and magnetic pink ribbon salesmen need to get to work, because we need to find a cure for cancer, if not for all of humanity, then just for me. You now have a deadline, 2044. This should help some of you procrastinators get involved, since I know you can't get any work done until the night before it is due.

I am not a doctor, and I haven't ever even played one on TV, but I do have an idea about how to fight cancer.

What is it?

Bunnies... cancer bunnies.

Simple explanation: Everyone loves bunnies. I bet cancer does too.

Scientific explanation: The path of least resistance is one of the fundamental principles of science and our understanding of the universe. Basically, everything in the universe behaves like your lazy stoner friend who cheated off of you in shop class and is, at this moment, crashing on your couch. Ironically, he is also probably the guy that will find a cure for cancer the night before the deadline I have given you.

Cancer is not an invasion of the body by some outside fighting force like the Russians and Cubans invading the United States in Red Dawn. Cancer is a rebellion, a rebel army, your cells turning against the rest of your body, like Patrick Swayze and the rest of the Wolverines in Red Dawn. Of course, cancer isn't as cute as Swayze, who is, himself battling cancer, just like he battled the Russians and Cubans in Red Dawn.

There are four basic ways a rebellion can end. One, the rebel forces win over the hearts and minds of the people, and a bloody tide of change washes over the land, such as in the French Revolution. Two, the rebel forces are all killed, ALL killed. Three, the peace is bartered through negations. Four, the rebels are offered an out, a way to leave the country that they are in without a fight. The Pilgrims got this option, and they took it because going somewhere else was easier than fighting the British army.

If we think about cancer in these terms, option one means death, options two and three are being attempted, but the fourth option hasn't been explored.

I believe that if the cancer was offered another, more hospitable place to move to, outside of the human body, it would go there instead of fighting, mutating, or moving to another part of the human body. Genetically engineered bunny rabbits would be my choice connected to the patient with some sort of umbilical cord that would allow the transfer of biological materials from the patient to the bunny. The patient would be treated for cancer, making their body an inhospitable environment for cancer, while the bunny would beckon to them like the most beautiful and alluring geisha in Japan.

The cancer would follow the path of least resistance, metastasizing and migrating into the bunny.

Cancer cured.

The bunny could then be given to patients with other terminal illnesses or people that don't want to have to take care of a grown up rabbit.

P.S. I am still writing this blog, so you should subscribe.

P.P.S. Here is the first hit single from my old band the Attractive Eighties Women, Mama, Get A Mamogram. I left the band to follow my dreams of not being in a succesful band just like David Lee Roth or the fifth Beatle. They are still going strong. Visit to learn what AEWsomecore is all about.

P.P.P.S. Here is a link to the obituary I wrote for my uncle Joseph McCarthy. I have to work on my father's right now.


Anonymous said...

this blog post has it all laughter, tears, science, swayze....

this idea makes too much sense the only problem i can see (with my limited medical knowledge) is wouldn't the animal need to be a blood match to the person since cancer cells are carried in the blood?

animals probably don't have compatible blood to humans do they?

Anonymous said...

listen chuck, you are NOT going to die in 35 years... you are going to die at the age of 94... i have seen it.

And it won't even be from natural causes, it will be from Saul Manilla, not the raw chicken kind but the kind with a gun. He will mistake you for another man who owes him many rubles in gambling debt.

These things happen when you have a common first and last name and live near a race track, which is where you will live out your later years.

Anonymous said...

wow if this worked there could be a film where (let's just say the obvious) Jim Carrey undergoes this treatment and starts to exhibit bunny like behavior. At first people would think he had a wacky new lease on life ala Liar Liar, Yes Man, Bruce Almighty, having just beat cancer, then it would slowly surface that he has become somewhat rabbit like... or maybe they could just plug it in to an old franchise Ace Ventura: Cancer Survivor

Anonymous said...

Even in your grief you are brilliant.

Regarding the blood matching, how about connecting cancer sufferers with death row inmates who have the same blood type? I guess inmates aren't that cute though...

Robot Nine said...

Sure Mr. Idea Man, but don't discount the incredible outrage that the Bunny love factions are going to have. I can hear them already asking why you think our life is more worthy than a rabbits.
My condolences on your Father and Uncle. Love the obit, made me wish I had stopped in for a drink.

Anonymous said...

Stranger things have happened. Chuck you might be on to something, keep the open mind.


Anonymous said...

First of all, I just found out I have cancer this past Friday.
Second of all, thanks for the amusing post.

Unknown said...

I say f&$K the bunny lovers. Do you know how many unwanted bunnies there are in the world? Thats not including all the old dried up Playboy types. Bunnies are expendable and I know if things keep going as is I will need several of them. With the possibilities of multiple cancers I may eventually have, I might end up looking like a new puffed up version of those horrible rabbit fur coats from the 80's. I will be warm fuzzy and cuddly though.

Deksam Torrac said...

Well I don’t know about a "cute" cure for cancer. But what if the “answer for cancer” [a cute rhyme] is so basic and the multi billion dollar a year research machine wont let an over the shelf cure be known to the pubic because after all their work they would not turn a medical profit. Meaning that if say... oh... “If” real maple syrup and baking soda heated together and taken orally really cures cancer they would not tell anyone because that would kill the "Research Machine" rather than people. Link it…

Anonymous said...

we do need to find a cure for cancer my friend that is 15 has cancer i dont get to see him that much anymore