Sunday, April 26, 2009

Gay Grizzly Adams

A while back, I started talking to a bear trainer about Grizzly Adams. As our conversation unfolded, I learned many interesting facts about this American icon. My curiosity peeked, I rushed to the internet, to my Google for more information. And, with every new tidbit of information I gathered, a suspicion, a theory, a wild and unprovable accusation grew stronger in my mind.

The more I have found out about Grizzly Adams, the real Grizzly Adams, the more and more I have come to believe that he was gay.

So what? Many great men in history were probably gay, so why do I care about Grizzly Adams? Because! Silly! Operating on this assumption, you have the foundation for one of the greatest gay Hi-jinx movies ever! Move over Priscilla Queen of the Desert! Move over The Birdcage! Move over PEARL HARBOR (directed by Michael "Boo Bear" Bay)! There's a new queen in town!

I guess before you run off and write this movie, raise a couple of million dollars, produce it, and distribute it, you should know a little something about Grizzly Adams.

John Capen Adams or Grizzly Adams was a real man who trapped and trained bears in California in the mid 1800's. You can read more about him here.

1. He wore leather jumpsuits with tassels, and adorned himself with colorful feathers.

2. He paraded through the streets of San Francisco with his bears.

3. He left his wife and kids to move to San Francisco and live with bears.

4. He was a shoemaker before moving to the woods to live with bears.

5. He loved bears.

Sure, this is some pretty weak evidence, but other "biographical" films have been written and produced with much less information on their subjects. Don't ever let the truth get in the way of your story. After all, what are movies but long, entertaining lies. Moreover, there has already been a very popular, successful, and totally inaccurate movie and television series based on the life of Grizzly Adams. The Life and Times of Grizzly Adams was a total reimagingineering of his story, not to mention, pretty gay its self.

Although I am very sick of seeing him in movies, and I wish he would just go away and form some sort of foundation for children and only be seen or heard from once a year for his annual telethon, I can't imagine a better actor to play Grizzly Adams than Will Ferrell.

Make this movie happen! Do it! Do it! Do it!
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P.P.S. The same bear trainer who told me about Grizzly Adams told me about a guy getting his calf bitten off by a zebra. Long story short, zebras are dangerous.

P.P.P.S. This was not meant to be offensive to gays or lesbians. I am sorry if it was. If you are a gay or lesbian filmmaker, you can probably get some grants to make this movie. The imaginative rebranding of an American icon as gay must be on the top of some special interest group's list.

P.P.P.P.S. You want to hear about things like me going to the bathroom? Follow me on Twitter.

Monday, April 20, 2009

America's Goth Talent

Do you feel as if the spirit of Amalasuntha has forsaken you? Well, you aren't the only one. But thy luck is bound to change before the feast of the Beltane, if you are able to sell NBC on my new show idea: America's Goth Talent.

Sure, you might think that there are enough talent shows on TV right now what with American Idol, America's Got Talent, Dancing With The Stars, America's Next Top Model, Project Runway, So You Think You Can Dance, Top Chef, Who Wants To Be A Super Hero, and many others already on the air, but you would be wrong (sorry). None of these talent shows showcase talents such as ritualistic mutilation, suicide poetry, channeling demons, or endurance crying. There would be some crossover acts such as contortionists, sword swallowers, and flame jugglers, but really this would be the only place for many talented youngsters to shine, in a dark and brooding way of course.

I am not going to pretend that there haven't been shows before that have given us a glimpse into this world. Ripley's Believe It Or Not! hosted by Dean Cane definitely shined a sallow light into the dark underworlds of the goth subculture, but the it lacked the elements of competition and soul raping that the other competition shows reap and sow with every waning moon. Plus, Dean Cane, though a nice guy I am sure, came off as irrelevant, disconnected, and douchey as the host. I guess there was supposed to be a juxtaposition between Mr. Perfect and the freak-show, but it always just struck me as awkward.

I would tap Jim Rose to host the show. He has a little bit of experience with this kind of thing, and I think he can juggle.

One selling point that you can use when approaching NBC is the fact that they can use the same set and judges for America's Goth Talent as America's Got Talent. All they have to do is put some fake cobwebs up and use more spot lighting. David Hasselhoff already kind of looks like an old elven woman, the other guy has the British accent that all goth kids wish they had, and Sharon Osbourne is already practically a goth goddess.

Advertisers and sponsors would include the surgical stainless steal industry, leather, any cosmetic companies who sell cheap black eyeliner, gothic teddy bear manufacturers, colored contact manufacturers, fang manufacturers, and journal makers.

P.S. Subscribe to ideas by chuck, or I will send the demons of hell after you. Just kidding... or am I?

P.P.S. If you want to hear about the most boring and inane moments of my life, click here.

P.P.P.S. Marilyn Manson's song The Dope Show would be the perfect theme song for the show. Not just because Marilyn Manson is a major goth icon, but because it is one of his only songs that I have ever been able to listen to all the way through, and it is actually pretty catchy.

Friday, April 10, 2009

Bonjour Date Night

Online dating is booming. Booming. People are looking to the silicon circuits to get their hands on some silicon circles, if you know what I mean.

Sure online dating is convenient and cheaper than regular dating, or going to a bar or church to try to pick up chicks. You don't have to pay for gas, food, or drinks (that church wine isn't really free). You have a certain amount of anonymity and safety. Plus, you don't have to feign interest in the arts or belief in god. You just have to have a nice picture of yourself and learn how to type "LOL" without thinking.

This is of course also the problem with online dating, misrepresentation. People use pictures of themselves from 10th grade or the last time they had a full head of hair and didn't have a double chin, and if the picture is recent there are a host of different techniques that people have quickly mastered to make themselves look better, from only posting pictures taken from more than fifteen feet away, to the always effective "Myspace angles." Moreover, don't every forget about Photoshop. With Photoshop I could make myself look like a Jewish Mel Gibson if I wanted to.

What if you could have the best of both worlds? What if there was a dating service that would let you talk to and choose who you wanted to talk to and meet through your computer, while at the same time being able to see them in person? Wouldn't you be interested in that? Don't you think other people would like that too?

Here is the idea: a bonjour dating night.

If you have a Mac, Bonjour is a program that you have on your computer ( Mac or PC is one of the eHarmony 29 levels of compatibility). Bonjour is part of the iChat program. Basically, when you log into it, it allows you to see and talk to anyone who is using the same wireless network as you and signed into Bonjour. It is a pretty nifty tool for file sharing etc. Even if you don't like this idea, you just learned something.

Basically, you would have a night at a coffee shop or somewhere like that with free WIFI. All the singles interested in participating would log onto Bonjour and chat away. If you meet someone you like talking to enough, someone you are interested in, they are sitting right there. They can tell you where they are, or you can tell them where you are. If you like each other enough, you can talk in person. They are right there, so there can be no misrepresentation, at least as far as appearance is concerned ( this does not take into account any whigs, pushup bras, or fake noses ).

Moreover, the singles participating are most likely from around the area, so you don't end up in a long distance relationship with a French model, or being asked to go sailing in the Adriatic as a first date by a Greek dignitary. In the very least you could meet some people from your neighborhood ( smart, cool people with Macs ).

P.S. Subscribing to Ideas By Chuck is hip and cool. I heard that Don Johnson was a subscriber. You want to be like Don Johnson? Subscribe.

P.P.S. Monique, if you are reading this, I still miss you. If you ever get your green card for modeling, please let me know.

P.P.P.S. I am thinking of giving up freelance thinking, so if you own a think tank and have any openings, let me know.

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Disappearing Ink Cartridges

Sure, I know what some of you are thinking. You read the headline, and you are thinking that I have lost my edge. You are thinking that this is the stupidest thing you have ever heard of. Maybe you think I fell down some stairs into a tub of stupid. Maybe you want me to give up. Maybe you think I have lost my edge. Now you are really starting to believe that I have lost my edge because I have said it three times now.

Well, I hate to tell you this, but you are wrong. I said edge three times for good luck and for any U2 fans out there who might be searching for their guitar hero. Later on in this post I will even say guitar again, so that this blog post will show up as being very relevant for anyone searching for The Edge's guitar (there is a method to my madness). This is the most brilliant idea I have ever had.

Yeah, and let me tell you what the idea actually is before you start judging me and it.

Idea: print cartridges that are filled with ink that disappears completely after a certain and finite amount of time.

Why? What good would that do?

Most information these days is stored electronically, and many printed business documents are only actually relevant for a short period of time. If you had ink that would disappear after a certain amount of time, you could reuse some of the paper without having to actually expend the time, effort, and materials to recycle it.

Not a good enough reason for you?

How about this one?

Everyone these days is worried about identity theft and fraud. Wouldn't it put your mind at ease to know that documents such as bills with your personal information on them would not last for more than a couple of weeks? Aren't you sick of shredding documents? I know I am sick of hearing you shred documents.

This kind of thing could really give the first company to adopt it a real... edge. I know there are more than a couple of banks out there at the moment that could use this kind of advantage, but I wouldn't wait for them to do something smart like listen to me.

You should take this idea and run for it. Sure I don't have any chemical formulas to share with you, but if Jerky's Joke shop has a pretty good formula already, you can probably come up with something.

P.S. Check out the left side of the screen. Can you find the word, "subscribe" there?

P.P.S. I bet Bernie Madoff wishes he had used some of this disappearing ink in his records. He wouldn't have gotten caught by Andrew McCarthy and Jonathan Silverman. Oh, wait... hmmm.

P.P.P.S. If you want to get the most boring and inane updates on my life, click here.