Sunday, April 26, 2009

Gay Grizzly Adams

A while back, I started talking to a bear trainer about Grizzly Adams. As our conversation unfolded, I learned many interesting facts about this American icon. My curiosity peeked, I rushed to the internet, to my Google for more information. And, with every new tidbit of information I gathered, a suspicion, a theory, a wild and unprovable accusation grew stronger in my mind.

The more I have found out about Grizzly Adams, the real Grizzly Adams, the more and more I have come to believe that he was gay.

So what? Many great men in history were probably gay, so why do I care about Grizzly Adams? Because! Silly! Operating on this assumption, you have the foundation for one of the greatest gay Hi-jinx movies ever! Move over Priscilla Queen of the Desert! Move over The Birdcage! Move over PEARL HARBOR (directed by Michael "Boo Bear" Bay)! There's a new queen in town!

I guess before you run off and write this movie, raise a couple of million dollars, produce it, and distribute it, you should know a little something about Grizzly Adams.

John Capen Adams or Grizzly Adams was a real man who trapped and trained bears in California in the mid 1800's. You can read more about him here.

1. He wore leather jumpsuits with tassels, and adorned himself with colorful feathers.

2. He paraded through the streets of San Francisco with his bears.

3. He left his wife and kids to move to San Francisco and live with bears.

4. He was a shoemaker before moving to the woods to live with bears.

5. He loved bears.

Sure, this is some pretty weak evidence, but other "biographical" films have been written and produced with much less information on their subjects. Don't ever let the truth get in the way of your story. After all, what are movies but long, entertaining lies. Moreover, there has already been a very popular, successful, and totally inaccurate movie and television series based on the life of Grizzly Adams. The Life and Times of Grizzly Adams was a total reimagingineering of his story, not to mention, pretty gay its self.

Although I am very sick of seeing him in movies, and I wish he would just go away and form some sort of foundation for children and only be seen or heard from once a year for his annual telethon, I can't imagine a better actor to play Grizzly Adams than Will Ferrell.

Make this movie happen! Do it! Do it! Do it!
P.S. If you don't want to subscribe to ideas by chuck, don't click here.

P.P.S. The same bear trainer who told me about Grizzly Adams told me about a guy getting his calf bitten off by a zebra. Long story short, zebras are dangerous.

P.P.P.S. This was not meant to be offensive to gays or lesbians. I am sorry if it was. If you are a gay or lesbian filmmaker, you can probably get some grants to make this movie. The imaginative rebranding of an American icon as gay must be on the top of some special interest group's list.

P.P.P.P.S. You want to hear about things like me going to the bathroom? Follow me on Twitter.


Mimi said...

I'm thinkin' you're quite right. I was reading singles ads from the Sunday paper from Anchoirage years ago and one stated," Grizzly Adams type, seeks same." What more could a guy ask? Except I'm not a guy.

Unknown said...

Bears are fuckin' rad! Having one of those in is half the battle.

Listen can you think of another animal or person that can carry a movie like a bear.

Remember the movie The Bear... That little fucker had so much chrismal and watchability that they said, "hey we'll just put this little sack of fur in the forest and film it, what will we call it? The Bear, we don't have to come up with a clever title cos we have a bear, that's all we need. Do we need stupid voices like March of the PenguinS? No. fuck you and your forced personification, one bear doin' it's thing is enough to warm some cockles and sell some tickets"

Unknown said...

Also remember the show BJ and the Bear where there was a monkey called Bear?

As an avid reader of Ideas by Chuck I recall some discussion about this show in the comments area of his Chuck Dickens: Illiterate Trucker idea posted Nov. 23, 2008 at approximately 1:32pm PST, where someone pointed out the genius of the truck driver calling himself BJ in order to plant the BJ suggestion into the minds of people he might pick up on the road.

This brings up the question why call the chimp Bear. BECAUSE PEOPLE WANT TO WATCH BEARS even if they have is a lousy chimp. They were trying to give the already adorable chimp bear appeal.

Anonymous said...

you are quite right Kensey! This film is a good idea that tackles two hot topics, the environment and gay.

also I'm pretty certain that if Robert Downey Jr. or Jaime Fox's characters were either gay or a bear, The Soloist wouldn't have done so horribly at the box office this weekend

Anonymous said...

actually if you put a bear or a gay in any of the top box offices movies this weekend they would be better

1. obsessed: gays are already obsessed with beyonce so i would throw a bear into the mix

2. 17 Again: I would KILL to see a bear mal Matthew Perry (in 3D)

3. Fighting: i don't know what this one is about but watching gay people argue and fight would be entertaining

4. The Soloist: just another homeless schizophrenic cello playing bear movie!!!

5. Earth: this probably already has a bear or two in it but if it had more it would be number 1

Anonymous said...

What if cos of the great success of the Grizzly Adams movie bears became chic which resulted in a cartoon bear called Bearabunga who surfs around on a fruit roll-up and solves current world crisis' with bear hugs

Sorta like the care bears I guess except he doesn't shoot rainbows out of his stomach he deals with problems practically, with bear hugs.... AND these
are real problems

So like an episode would find Bearabunga trying to sneak on to ship, get to the Somali Pirates and give them a bear hug without getting shot

Or Bearabunga is in a race against time to travel the world and give everyone infected with the pig virus a bear hug before it spreads.... Maybe he has to enlist his friend Pandemic Panda to

Pandemic Panda is slow moving and needs to stop at Burger King every two hours to eat some shoots (fries)

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