Monday, February 16, 2009

Hybrid Vs. Inbred

Fair warning, this is one of my more socially conscious ideas, so no big payday. But, if you work for Tesla Motors, Toyota, Zap Cars, or any other hybrid/electric car companies, you will probably be interested in this, as you have a vested interest in seeing it happen. Listen up, and get ready to act on my unsolicited advice.

As many of you, my hundreds of millions of adoring readers, know, I am very interested in the environment. I have had several ideas about ways we could save the world from getting McDonald's to place the first franchise on the moon to candy cane chopsticks. I care about the environment and the world not dying. I care, so I think that President Barack Obama needs to invite the head honchos from NASCAR to the White House and have a little chat.

What should this chat be about? President Barack Obama needs to strongly encourage them, in Dick Cheney kind of way (guns, sticks, water and car batteries), to allow hybrid technology to be used in NASCAR race cars.


Well, the way I see it, we need some competition to get us competing again. I keep hearing Chevy touting its NASCAR win record, but you don't here them bragging about their sales records. Competition breeds innovation, and we need some innovations. We need some better cars.

Now I know some of you are having your doubts. Why should Obama get involved? Presidents don't need to get involved in sports. Won't this change the spirit of NASCAR? Do I look fat in this outfit?

In 1905, President Teddy Roosevelt extended a similar invitation to the White House to all head honchos of American Football at that time because so many men were getting seriously injured or killed playing the game. He suggested several rule changes and modern football, one of the most popular sports in the world, was born.

So you see, Obama would not be the first President of the United States to take more than a casual interest in a sport. He would be following in the footsteps of a man with a big stick. There are three big guys up in Detroit that are dying, and he might be able to save them with a few rule changes.

Here is another history lesson. NASCAR was borne from bootlegging. Bootleggers were doing whatever they could to make their cars go faster and longer and they started competing against each other. The whole point of the sport, the competition, is to make your car go faster and last longer. The drivers are athletes, but the cars are the real stars.

If you were to go back in time and tell a bootlegger that his car would go 100 more miles on one tank of gas with a hybrid engine in it, what do you think he would say? Do you think he would turn up his nose at that? No. The cop cars can't chase you if they are out of gas. Do you really think that any serious bootlegger would ignore whatever advantage he could get?

This needs to happen. I went to school where Deliverance was filmed, and let me tell you, there are some smart hicks, hillbillies, and rednecks. They just need the right kind of motivation.

A few years ago it was blasphemy to even think about Toyotas competing, but today they do. Letting hybrid technology into the mix will not stop the cars from going fast, fans from getting drunk. It will not make the promo-girl-car-models that look like they can't possibly achieve an orgasm without having at least one hand on the hood of a car during sex disappear. There will still be burgers. People will vomit, and cars will still crash.

We need to start competing if we want to compete. I don't know if I am the first person to say that. It sounds like a Yogi Berra quote, but it is true. If you are the Secretary of State, you might want to whisper this into President Obama's ear at the next cabinet meeting.

P.S. Subscribing to IdeasByChuck might just save my life.

P.P.S. I love funnel cake.

P.P.P.S. I love funnel cake, and yes you look fat in that outfit.

P.P.P.P.S. Funnel cake is so good! Why is it so good!

Monday, February 9, 2009

Ideas By Chuck Reality Show

This one kind of speaks for its self, but I will expound.

Picture this: "MythBusters" meets "The Apprentice" meets "I'm With Busey," but more interesting and sexy.

Cameras would follow me around through my depressing yet interesting daily life, while a team of producers, lawyers, businessmen, and scientists are hard at work trying to make money off of my ideas. It's a juxtaposition kind of thing.

I wouldn't get any real cash from the show unless one or more of my ideas proves to be lucrative. This is probably leading some of you to think that if the show is a hit, I should get some money since it was my idea in the first place. True, but I would make an exception for the actual show, though I do want a creator credit.

What makes me think that my life is interesting enough to carry a reality show?

Well, I live in Hollywood, which seems to be where most reality shows take place. I might not be Paris Hilton, but I have seen her limo, and I know where Club Hyde is. Yep, I live in Hollywood, so you can check that off your list. Hollywood: Check!

I work on TV shows and commercials and write and produce my own internet shows and commercials, and I could name about a dozen shows on TV right now that are about either TV shows or advertising agencies (if any producers of Mad Men are watching, I look good in bell bottoms and could have the most amazing mustache for a guest spot on Mad Men). Interesting job: Check!

I am an artist. I draw, paint, and write music. More importantly, people buy my art and love my music... love it... love. Superstar artist: Check!

I have interesting friends. Sure, everyone thinks that they have interesting friends, but do you have friends who have started a new carnocentric holiday season? Do you have friends who destroy the morning show circuits with awesomecore like my old band mates the Attractive Eighties Women? Do you have friends who have built their own villages, done photo shoots with America's Next Top Model winners, or travel the world just trying to have sex with women? Well, I do have these friends. I don't know why I have any friends at all, but I do, and they are pretty interesting and so hawt! Hawt friends: Double Check!

I even have my own clothing line, drawnika. Check it out at You are pretty much a loser out here in Hollywood if you don't have your own clothing line. Clothing line: Check!

Sorry for tooting my own horn, but if you aren't going to toot your own horn, what is the point of having your own reality show? Right?

Toots own horn: Check! Check! Check!

Pluses for the producers:

1. I already have a pretty strong web presence and a good amount of content built up.

2. Any products that I have invented will get advertising before they even hit the market, and fans of the show will want to support my ideas, that is if they like me.

3. Picking a guy out of obscurity is sensational, and the show will definitely get some pretty good free publicity. Plus, there are sure to be bloggers going nuts either with praise or hatred for a fellow blogger plucked from the crowd.

4. My ideas are good.

5. Women and gay men ages 45-60 love me.

If you don't jump on this, you will be asked to leave the tribe (that was a reference to Survivor and not Judaism).

P.S. Subscribe to my blog. The more people that subscribe, the more subscribers I will have.

P.P.S. Floss daily.

Sunday, February 1, 2009


I was recently featured on the CNN Headline News show News To Me. I was interviewed for almost an hour by the show's host, Eric Lanford. The conversation was all very insightful and titillating, but of course it had to be cut down for time.

One thing that was left on the cutting room floor was Eric's plea to me, his plea for an idea to make money off of his baldness. Eric has a fairly stunningly bald head, which seems to almost glow in his publicity photos.

I tried to tell him that he was already making money off of his bald head since he is the host of a national TV show, but he wants more. He wants his head to work for him, bringing him riches beyond belief simply because of the fact that its follicles are flawlessly free of any errant hairs.

I thought about it. I thought about it long and hard. I literally began to pull my own hair out!

Finally, I decided that the way for a bald man to make money off of his baldness is to exploit other bald men, and if Eric doesn't act on this right away, it would be a shame. If he doesn't do this, one of you, his other shiny cue-ball compatriots, should definitely act as fast as possible on this idea.

Here is the idea: A calendar of famous bald men, the images created with aerial photographs of hundreds of bald men, the tops of their heads acting as the pixels.

Why is this a great idea?

1. People love photo mosaic art and any art that is something else when you get closer. Just ask Chuck Close. Okay, you can't ask him, because he is dead, but you can see his art on display all around the world. If I was putting together this calendar, he would be either January or December.

2. This is the perfect gift to give any bald man that you need to give a gift to, especially bald men that you don't know. It celebrates baldness in an artful and lighthearted way. Plus, no one wants to spend more than twenty bucks on the guy three cubicles down at work, knowing nothing personal about him except the fact that he is bald.

3. If I had to hazard a guess, I would say that at least two thirds of all calendars are bought by women, and there are a good number of women out there, though they may lurk in the shadows, who love bald men (I have no statistical data real or made-up to back this statement up).

4. People love wacky calendars. Go to the calendar section of your local bookmart or click here and you will find calendars featuring Pugs dressed like fishermen, naked firemen and babies, yoga dogs, outhouses, Jimi Hendrix, and even Nuns having fun. It's all about tapping into that tiny part of the brain that wants to know what day it is and see Sister Mary Francis on a roller coaster at the same time.

Eric, if you don't make this happen, you are really missing out on some bald generated revenue, and I don't think you will ever forgive yourself.

P.S. If you want to hear about my latest and greatest ideas before you hear about them from the bald guy three cubicles down at work, you should subscribe to my blog.

P.P.S. Eric, Barack Obama has his own calendar, shouldn't you? If you make this calendar, you can be Mr. July cause it's so hot!

P.P.P.S. If you are one of the 38 people that didn't catch my CNN HLN NTM appearance, click HERE.

P.P.P.P.S. You could probably put the same images on everything from coffee mugs to shoes and make even more money.