Sunday, February 1, 2009

Baldsploitation


I was recently featured on the CNN Headline News show News To Me. I was interviewed for almost an hour by the show's host, Eric Lanford. The conversation was all very insightful and titillating, but of course it had to be cut down for time.

One thing that was left on the cutting room floor was Eric's plea to me, his plea for an idea to make money off of his baldness. Eric has a fairly stunningly bald head, which seems to almost glow in his publicity photos.

I tried to tell him that he was already making money off of his bald head since he is the host of a national TV show, but he wants more. He wants his head to work for him, bringing him riches beyond belief simply because of the fact that its follicles are flawlessly free of any errant hairs.

I thought about it. I thought about it long and hard. I literally began to pull my own hair out!

Finally, I decided that the way for a bald man to make money off of his baldness is to exploit other bald men, and if Eric doesn't act on this right away, it would be a shame. If he doesn't do this, one of you, his other shiny cue-ball compatriots, should definitely act as fast as possible on this idea.

Here is the idea: A calendar of famous bald men, the images created with aerial photographs of hundreds of bald men, the tops of their heads acting as the pixels.

Why is this a great idea?

1. People love photo mosaic art and any art that is something else when you get closer. Just ask Chuck Close. Okay, you can't ask him, because he is dead, but you can see his art on display all around the world. If I was putting together this calendar, he would be either January or December.

2. This is the perfect gift to give any bald man that you need to give a gift to, especially bald men that you don't know. It celebrates baldness in an artful and lighthearted way. Plus, no one wants to spend more than twenty bucks on the guy three cubicles down at work, knowing nothing personal about him except the fact that he is bald.

3. If I had to hazard a guess, I would say that at least two thirds of all calendars are bought by women, and there are a good number of women out there, though they may lurk in the shadows, who love bald men (I have no statistical data real or made-up to back this statement up).

4. People love wacky calendars. Go to the calendar section of your local bookmart or click here and you will find calendars featuring Pugs dressed like fishermen, naked firemen and babies, yoga dogs, outhouses, Jimi Hendrix, and even Nuns having fun. It's all about tapping into that tiny part of the brain that wants to know what day it is and see Sister Mary Francis on a roller coaster at the same time.

Eric, if you don't make this happen, you are really missing out on some bald generated revenue, and I don't think you will ever forgive yourself.

P.S. If you want to hear about my latest and greatest ideas before you hear about them from the bald guy three cubicles down at work, you should subscribe to my blog.

P.P.S. Eric, Barack Obama has his own calendar, shouldn't you? If you make this calendar, you can be Mr. July cause it's so hot!

P.P.P.S. If you are one of the 38 people that didn't catch my CNN HLN NTM appearance, click HERE.

P.P.P.P.S. You could probably put the same images on everything from coffee mugs to shoes and make even more money.

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

dead on! head on!
I worked in a book store for years and I can confirm most calendars are bought by people as gifts for someone they don't

A purchase of a calendar is usually proceeded by sentences like "oh while we are here we should get something for Caroline's."

This is the perfect gift if you have limited knowledge of caroline's husband. If you aren't really sure what he does for a living or his favorite sports team they are pretty much screwed. one thing you always know is if people have hair or not.

perfect

Anonymous said...

oppps meant:

dead on! head on!
I worked in a book store for years and I can confirm most calendars are bought by people as gifts for someone they don't know

A purchase of a calendar is usually proceeded by sentences like "oh while we are here we should get something for Caroline's husband."

This is the perfect gift if you have limited knowledge of caroline's husband. If you aren't really sure what he does for a living or his favorite sports team then you are pretty much screwed.... one thing you always know is if people have hair or not.

perfect

I had my curling iron in my right hand and was typing with my left when i first typed this

Anonymous said...

I used to work in a books store too and had a theory that the book Chicken Soup for the Football Lover's Soul has never been read by any person but the editors of the book.


no one ever bought the book on their own accord it has only been gifted to people by those who don't know them well

Anonymous said...

Yes. That could probably go for all of the Chicken Soup books.

Anonymous said...

worst selling of the series:

CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE KAINOLOPHOBIC SOUL

Omnipotent Poobah said...

So how many hits did you finally get from the interview? I even got a handful and I'm only on your blogroll.