Sunday, March 15, 2009

Rosetta Bone

Do you want to make money? Do you want to bring the world closer together, I mean really CLOSER together? Do you want to facilitate and encourage learning? Do you really want to make money? Do you want to make lots of money?

One summer I was lucky enough to be part of a study abroad program in Italy. I lived in Cortona, Italy, a small walled city made famous by the book "Under The Tuscan Sun." I ate, drank, danced, studied art, made love, and summoned from the bricks and stones of this ancient city on a hill the spirits of my ancestors around me like a magical cloak of destiny. Yeah, I drank a ton.

While I was there, I came across some Italian pornography that was laid out like a live action comic book, with narration boxes as well as thought and dialog bubbles guiding the reader through hardcore erotic adventures.

A scholar at heart, I set about translating these stories. Would Rocco figure out where Sophia had hidden his keys? I wanted to know, and though the plot lines were less than complex, they were more than titillating. You know what I mean.

It was at this time that I first started thinking about an erotic language learning system, and so this idea was born:

Rosetta Bone, an erotic language learning system.

If you don't see how amazing this idea is, let me give you some hardcore reasons that this idea will lead you to be showered in gold (not to be confused with a golden shower).

First, porn plot lines are simple and repetitious just like every language learning system. If you have to hear about Federica getting a dress for the school dance, getting ready for the dance, going to the dance, dancing at the dance, leaving the dance, and remembering how great the dance was, wouldn't you at least like to see Federica get double teamed by Luca and Anthony after the dance?

Second, learning while in a state of arousal and through multiple modes of stimulation has been proven time and time again to be the most effective way to learn. If you don't believe me, you can go do some research on your own. This Northwestern University study might be a good place to start.

Third, most people going to another country for a short or long period of time want to know how to get three things accomplished in the native tongue: get food, find a bathroom, and get sex. All porn is, is eating, swallowing, and, well I won't go on with that, but if you don't get the probably shouldn't be reading this.

Speaking purely to the making money aspect of this whole thing, people love porn. Your system could be totally worthless and ineffective on the language learning side, but if it is hot porn, people will still pay money to see it.

Carpe Denari!

P.S. You should subscribe to Ideas By Chuck. I don't get a portable TV, Garfield phone, or a trip to Epcot Center for getting a certain number of subscribers. I just don't want you to miss my next big idea.

P.P.S. You should start with Latin. Why? Cause it's the HARDEST!

P.P.P.S. Talk Dirty: Spanish and similar titles are already a bestsellers. This is not a big leap.

P.P.P.P.S. Don't you want to know what those Dutch chicks are saying? Don't you? REALLY! Make this idea reality!

Sunday, March 1, 2009

College Satellite Radio

Recently I have been thinking about radio. Radio. Radio.

The talk radio station that I listened to closed up shop recently, and I miss it. Sure I started listening to it because I broke the antenna off my car, and it was the only station that would come in, but I had come to love it, kind of like the way Mallory almost loved Skippy that time they got trapped in the basement, or the way Karl came to understand Steve a little more that time they got trapped in a box car. You can't love what you do not know.

Now I am lost. I have actually been listening to Ryan Seacrest in the mornings. I keep hearing about a show called Kevin and Bean, but I can't seem to find it. They must not say their own name a lot, which I consider a good thing, but it is making it harder for me to figure out what channel they are on when I get in my car at 5:30am.

Anyway, I have been thinking about radio, and hearing a lot of stuff about satellite radio and how it isn't making any money. Some of you might know that XM Satellite radio was absorbed by Sirius not to long ago because they just couldn't cut it.

Why can't satellite make it? Why aren't they making cash money? Why isn't the fact that they can curse and you can hear the same person cursing anywhere in the country selling subscriptions?

Listen up Sirius and XM corporate grunts. I am going to tell you something that will help you shoot to the top of the corporate ionosphere. If you have a consulting firm, you might also want to take notes or just print this out.

Why aren't people clamoring for satellite radio?

There is not enough of a difference in the quality and the product for people to care enough to pay. Who is going to pay $10 for a slightly larger orange when the slightly smaller orange is free? Terrible analogy I know, but maybe you get it.

Here is my idea to make satellite radio a money maker: Sirius XM needs to designate 20 or so channels for crazy people, alright, not crazy people, but just anyone who wants to pay $2000 to be on the radio for a year. Give them each one hour a week to do whatever they want with.

What does this do?

First of all, it will raise over $6.7 million if all the spots are sold.

Second of all, you will instantly create a 3360 person street team, hustling, annoying, bugging, throwing tantrums, and pestering every single one of their family and friends to subscribe to satellite radio.

Third and most importantly of all, it will make better use of the advantage that satellite has over regular radio, which is the lack of censorship. Let the crazy guy get on the radio to mutter about flying saucers for an hour. Let the preacher get on and rant about God hating everyone but dogs named Sue. Let the guy with Tourett's Syndrome finally get his shot at being the Wolf Man.

Wouldn't you tell your friends about a crazy guy named Chuck with lots of crazy ideas or a radio show that consisted completely of records being played backwards?

It would be very similar to college radio or YouTube. Everyone who wants their shot gets their shot.

P.S. Subscribe to me, so you will be the first person on the block to find out my airtime on satellite radio.

P.P.S. $2000 a year is less than $40 a week, which is less than 10 packs of cigarettes in most parts of the United States.

P.P.P.S. Go watch UHF if you have any doubts.

P.P.P.P.S. Do you remember when the gang on Saved By The Bell found that radio station hidden deep inside Bayside High, or did I just imagine that?