Texting Implants

I have been on Twitter for a while now, and the most amazing thing to me about Twitter is the fact that Shaq tweets. This does not amaze me because he is a pro athlete, or because he never struck me as someone that had all that much to say, but because he tweets from his phone. If I have trouble texting and twittering on my phone with my little fingers, I can't imagine what it is like for him with his giant thumbs. You can't be a giant without giant thumbs. Trust me on this one. I looked it up.

Maybe he has an assistant to whom he dictates his tweets. Maybe he has some sort of special Jitterbug/Sidekick hybrid. Maybe he pays his cousin Larry to tweet for him. Who knows?

I have tried to ask him how he does it, but he has never responded, which makes his twittering even more suspect, but that is really beside the point.

All I know is that unless he has a little Orlando Magic left or Kazaam was actually a documentary, Shaq is not texting without making more than a few errant key strikes.

The main point is that Shaq got me thinking about how to make texting etc. easier for people with big, meaty thumbs like me... me and Shaq.

What did I come up with? What is my idea?

Teflon implants that go under the skin of the thumb to create a raised bump, allowing for easier texting with little or no inconvenience and or maintenance.

Is this taking texting too far? Is this turning twittering into torture?

Some of you are probably asking these questions, and some of you probably think that this is crazy talk. Maybe you don't believe that anyone would ever want to undergo a surgical procedure to enhance their texting skills. I would like to feel the same way, I really would, but have you seen the surgical procedures that people are getting for no apparent reason, for no practical benefit?


People are getting everything from calf implants to horns. Horns. If there is someone out there making money on horn implants, then I think you can easily turn this idea into cold hard cash. Of course, the devil is in the details (don't know if that was a pun or just cheese factor). Perfecting the process and making it affordable is the key.


There is a market for this. Make it happen. Make lots of money, and really, seriously, please don't forget to think about sending me some.

P.S. Virtually all the words and phrases on the SideShaq phone were taken from his Twitter.

P.P.S. Not so very long ago, I got to hang out with someone much smarter than me, Mo Rocca. Here is proof.

P.P.P.S. I know I just said that people are getting implants for no reason. I would like to say that I do support some types of implants, even if they serve no practical purpose.

P.P.P.P.S. You know how you can find out about all my new ideas with little or no inconvenience? Yeah, subscribe. Click here to subscribe.

Magical Binder

Have you ever been trying to write something in a three ring binder at 3am in a bog, you don't have a table to sit at, and the binder is on your lap?

Oh, you accidentally spread your legs an inch too wide and the binder folds up and falls through your legs and into the mud.

Okay, maybe you are a lawyer or a teacher and you are always in an office with a desk, but there are other people out there who write in three ring binders and don't always have a nice little desk to sit at.

Lets cut to the chase. I don't have all the plans drawn up, you will have to spend the half hour figuring out the best way to make this a reality, but someone should produce a three ring binder that locks open, creating a rigid plane of productivity.

If someone came up with this binder tripod thing, I think that one of my millions of readers can come up with a binder that will stay open until you want to close it.

Get out there and perfect this, produce it, sell me one, sell a million others, and give me a little bit of money to say thanks.


P.S. Subscribers to my blog are .07% less likely to get hit by a car, so what are you waiting for? Subscribe.