Rosetta Bone

Do you want to make money? Do you want to bring the world closer together, I mean really CLOSER together? Do you want to facilitate and encourage learning? Do you really want to make money? Do you want to make lots of money?

One summer I was lucky enough to be part of a study abroad program in Italy. I lived in Cortona, Italy, a small walled city made famous by the book "Under The Tuscan Sun." I ate, drank, danced, studied art, made love, and summoned from the bricks and stones of this ancient city on a hill the spirits of my ancestors around me like a magical cloak of destiny. Yeah, I drank a ton.

While I was there, I came across some Italian pornography that was laid out like a live action comic book, with narration boxes as well as thought and dialog bubbles guiding the reader through hardcore erotic adventures.

A scholar at heart, I set about translating these stories. Would Rocco figure out where Sophia had hidden his keys? I wanted to know, and though the plot lines were less than complex, they were more than titillating. You know what I mean.

It was at this time that I first started thinking about an erotic language learning system, and so this idea was born:

Rosetta Bone, an erotic language learning system.

If you don't see how amazing this idea is, let me give you some hardcore reasons that this idea will lead you to be showered in gold (not to be confused with a golden shower).

First, porn plot lines are simple and repetitious just like every language learning system. If you have to hear about Federica getting a dress for the school dance, getting ready for the dance, going to the dance, dancing at the dance, leaving the dance, and remembering how great the dance was, wouldn't you at least like to see Federica get double teamed by Luca and Anthony after the dance?

Second, learning while in a state of arousal and through multiple modes of stimulation has been proven time and time again to be the most effective way to learn. If you don't believe me, you can go do some research on your own. This Northwestern University study might be a good place to start.

Third, most people going to another country for a short or long period of time want to know how to get three things accomplished in the native tongue: get food, find a bathroom, and get sex. All porn is, is eating, swallowing, and, well I won't go on with that, but if you don't get the idea...uhh...uhh...you probably shouldn't be reading this.

Speaking purely to the making money aspect of this whole thing, people love porn. Your system could be totally worthless and ineffective on the language learning side, but if it is hot porn, people will still pay money to see it.

Carpe Denari!

P.S. You should subscribe to Ideas By Chuck. I don't get a portable TV, Garfield phone, or a trip to Epcot Center for getting a certain number of subscribers. I just don't want you to miss my next big idea.

P.P.S. You should start with Latin. Why? Cause it's the HARDEST!

P.P.P.S. Talk Dirty: Spanish and similar titles are already a bestsellers. This is not a big leap.

P.P.P.P.S. Don't you want to know what those Dutch chicks are saying? Don't you? REALLY! Make this idea reality!

College Satellite Radio

Recently I have been thinking about radio. Radio. Radio.

The talk radio station that I listened to closed up shop recently, and I miss it. Sure I started listening to it because I broke the antenna off my car, and it was the only station that would come in, but I had come to love it, kind of like the way Mallory almost loved Skippy that time they got trapped in the basement, or the way Karl came to understand Steve a little more that time they got trapped in a box car. You can't love what you do not know.

Now I am lost. I have actually been listening to Ryan Seacrest in the mornings. I keep hearing about a show called Kevin and Bean, but I can't seem to find it. They must not say their own name a lot, which I consider a good thing, but it is making it harder for me to figure out what channel they are on when I get in my car at 5:30am.

Anyway, I have been thinking about radio, and hearing a lot of stuff about satellite radio and how it isn't making any money. Some of you might know that XM Satellite radio was absorbed by Sirius not to long ago because they just couldn't cut it.

Why can't satellite make it? Why aren't they making cash money? Why isn't the fact that they can curse and you can hear the same person cursing anywhere in the country selling subscriptions?

Listen up Sirius and XM corporate grunts. I am going to tell you something that will help you shoot to the top of the corporate ionosphere. If you have a consulting firm, you might also want to take notes or just print this out.


Why aren't people clamoring for satellite radio?

There is not enough of a difference in the quality and the product for people to care enough to pay. Who is going to pay $10 for a slightly larger orange when the slightly smaller orange is free? Terrible analogy I know, but maybe you get it.

Here is my idea to make satellite radio a money maker: Sirius XM needs to designate 20 or so channels for crazy people, alright, not crazy people, but just anyone who wants to pay $2000 to be on the radio for a year. Give them each one hour a week to do whatever they want with.

What does this do?

First of all, it will raise over $6.7 million if all the spots are sold.

Second of all, you will instantly create a 3360 person street team, hustling, annoying, bugging, throwing tantrums, and pestering every single one of their family and friends to subscribe to satellite radio.

Third and most importantly of all, it will make better use of the advantage that satellite has over regular radio, which is the lack of censorship. Let the crazy guy get on the radio to mutter about flying saucers for an hour. Let the preacher get on and rant about God hating everyone but dogs named Sue. Let the guy with Tourett's Syndrome finally get his shot at being the Wolf Man.

Wouldn't you tell your friends about a crazy guy named Chuck with lots of crazy ideas or a radio show that consisted completely of records being played backwards?

It would be very similar to college radio or YouTube. Everyone who wants their shot gets their shot.

P.S. Subscribe to me, so you will be the first person on the block to find out my airtime on satellite radio.

P.P.S. $2000 a year is less than $40 a week, which is less than 10 packs of cigarettes in most parts of the United States.

P.P.P.S. Go watch UHF if you have any doubts.

P.P.P.P.S. Do you remember when the gang on Saved By The Bell found that radio station hidden deep inside Bayside High, or did I just imagine that?

Hybrid Vs. Inbred

Fair warning, this is one of my more socially conscious ideas, so no big payday. But, if you work for Tesla Motors, Toyota, Zap Cars, or any other hybrid/electric car companies, you will probably be interested in this, as you have a vested interest in seeing it happen. Listen up, and get ready to act on my unsolicited advice.

As many of you, my hundreds of millions of adoring readers, know, I am very interested in the environment. I have had several ideas about ways we could save the world from getting McDonald's to place the first franchise on the moon to candy cane chopsticks. I care about the environment and the world not dying. I care, so I think that President Barack Obama needs to invite the head honchos from NASCAR to the White House and have a little chat.

What should this chat be about? President Barack Obama needs to strongly encourage them, in Dick Cheney kind of way (guns, sticks, water and car batteries), to allow hybrid technology to be used in NASCAR race cars.

Why?

Well, the way I see it, we need some competition to get us competing again. I keep hearing Chevy touting its NASCAR win record, but you don't here them bragging about their sales records. Competition breeds innovation, and we need some innovations. We need some better cars.

Now I know some of you are having your doubts. Why should Obama get involved? Presidents don't need to get involved in sports. Won't this change the spirit of NASCAR? Do I look fat in this outfit?

In 1905, President Teddy Roosevelt extended a similar invitation to the White House to all head honchos of American Football at that time because so many men were getting seriously injured or killed playing the game. He suggested several rule changes and modern football, one of the most popular sports in the world, was born.

So you see, Obama would not be the first President of the United States to take more than a casual interest in a sport. He would be following in the footsteps of a man with a big stick. There are three big guys up in Detroit that are dying, and he might be able to save them with a few rule changes.

Here is another history lesson. NASCAR was borne from bootlegging. Bootleggers were doing whatever they could to make their cars go faster and longer and they started competing against each other. The whole point of the sport, the competition, is to make your car go faster and last longer. The drivers are athletes, but the cars are the real stars.

If you were to go back in time and tell a bootlegger that his car would go 100 more miles on one tank of gas with a hybrid engine in it, what do you think he would say? Do you think he would turn up his nose at that? No. The cop cars can't chase you if they are out of gas. Do you really think that any serious bootlegger would ignore whatever advantage he could get?

This needs to happen. I went to school where Deliverance was filmed, and let me tell you, there are some smart hicks, hillbillies, and rednecks. They just need the right kind of motivation.

A few years ago it was blasphemy to even think about Toyotas competing, but today they do. Letting hybrid technology into the mix will not stop the cars from going fast, fans from getting drunk. It will not make the promo-girl-car-models that look like they can't possibly achieve an orgasm without having at least one hand on the hood of a car during sex disappear. There will still be burgers. People will vomit, and cars will still crash.

We need to start competing if we want to compete. I don't know if I am the first person to say that. It sounds like a Yogi Berra quote, but it is true. If you are the Secretary of State, you might want to whisper this into President Obama's ear at the next cabinet meeting.

P.S. Subscribing to IdeasByChuck might just save my life.

P.P.S. I love funnel cake.

P.P.P.S. I love funnel cake, and yes you look fat in that outfit.

P.P.P.P.S. Funnel cake is so good! Why is it so good!

Ideas By Chuck Reality Show

This one kind of speaks for its self, but I will expound.

Picture this: "MythBusters" meets "The Apprentice" meets "I'm With Busey," but more interesting and sexy.

Cameras would follow me around through my depressing yet interesting daily life, while a team of producers, lawyers, businessmen, and scientists are hard at work trying to make money off of my ideas. It's a juxtaposition kind of thing.

I wouldn't get any real cash from the show unless one or more of my ideas proves to be lucrative. This is probably leading some of you to think that if the show is a hit, I should get some money since it was my idea in the first place. True, but I would make an exception for the actual show, though I do want a creator credit.

What makes me think that my life is interesting enough to carry a reality show?

Well, I live in Hollywood, which seems to be where most reality shows take place. I might not be Paris Hilton, but I have seen her limo, and I know where Club Hyde is. Yep, I live in Hollywood, so you can check that off your list. Hollywood: Check!

I work on TV shows and commercials and write and produce my own internet shows and commercials, and I could name about a dozen shows on TV right now that are about either TV shows or advertising agencies (if any producers of Mad Men are watching, I look good in bell bottoms and could have the most amazing mustache for a guest spot on Mad Men). Interesting job: Check!

I am an artist. I draw, paint, and write music. More importantly, people buy my art and love my music... love it... love. Superstar artist: Check!

I have interesting friends. Sure, everyone thinks that they have interesting friends, but do you have friends who have started a new carnocentric holiday season? Do you have friends who destroy the morning show circuits with awesomecore like my old band mates the Attractive Eighties Women? Do you have friends who have built their own villages, done photo shoots with America's Next Top Model winners, or travel the world just trying to have sex with women? Well, I do have these friends. I don't know why I have any friends at all, but I do, and they are pretty interesting and so hawt! Hawt friends: Double Check!

I even have my own clothing line, drawnika. Check it out at drawnika.com. You are pretty much a loser out here in Hollywood if you don't have your own clothing line. Clothing line: Check!

Sorry for tooting my own horn, but if you aren't going to toot your own horn, what is the point of having your own reality show? Right?

Toots own horn: Check! Check! Check!

Pluses for the producers:

1. I already have a pretty strong web presence and a good amount of content built up.

2. Any products that I have invented will get advertising before they even hit the market, and fans of the show will want to support my ideas, that is if they like me.

3. Picking a guy out of obscurity is sensational, and the show will definitely get some pretty good free publicity. Plus, there are sure to be bloggers going nuts either with praise or hatred for a fellow blogger plucked from the crowd.

4. My ideas are good.

5. Women and gay men ages 45-60 love me.

If you don't jump on this, you will be asked to leave the tribe (that was a reference to Survivor and not Judaism).


P.S. Subscribe to my blog. The more people that subscribe, the more subscribers I will have.

P.P.S. Floss daily.

Baldsploitation

I was recently featured on the CNN Headline News show News To Me. I was interviewed for almost an hour by the show's host, Eric Lanford. The conversation was all very insightful and titillating, but of course it had to be cut down for time.

One thing that was left on the cutting room floor was Eric's plea to me, his plea for an idea to make money off of his baldness. Eric has a fairly stunningly bald head, which seems to almost glow in his publicity photos.

I tried to tell him that he was already making money off of his bald head since he is the host of a national TV show, but he wants more. He wants his head to work for him, bringing him riches beyond belief simply because of the fact that its follicles are flawlessly free of any errant hairs.

I thought about it. I thought about it long and hard. I literally began to pull my own hair out!

Finally, I decided that the way for a bald man to make money off of his baldness is to exploit other bald men, and if Eric doesn't act on this right away, it would be a shame. If he doesn't do this, one of you, his other shiny cue-ball compatriots, should definitely act as fast as possible on this idea.

Here is the idea: A calendar of famous bald men, the images created with aerial photographs of hundreds of bald men, the tops of their heads acting as the pixels.

Why is this a great idea?

1. People love photo mosaic art and any art that is something else when you get closer. Just ask Chuck Close. Okay, you can't ask him, because he is dead, but you can see his art on display all around the world. If I was putting together this calendar, he would be either January or December.

2. This is the perfect gift to give any bald man that you need to give a gift to, especially bald men that you don't know. It celebrates baldness in an artful and lighthearted way. Plus, no one wants to spend more than twenty bucks on the guy three cubicles down at work, knowing nothing personal about him except the fact that he is bald.

3. If I had to hazard a guess, I would say that at least two thirds of all calendars are bought by women, and there are a good number of women out there, though they may lurk in the shadows, who love bald men (I have no statistical data real or made-up to back this statement up).

4. People love wacky calendars. Go to the calendar section of your local bookmart or click here and you will find calendars featuring Pugs dressed like fishermen, naked firemen and babies, yoga dogs, outhouses, Jimi Hendrix, and even Nuns having fun. It's all about tapping into that tiny part of the brain that wants to know what day it is and see Sister Mary Francis on a roller coaster at the same time.

Eric, if you don't make this happen, you are really missing out on some bald generated revenue, and I don't think you will ever forgive yourself.

P.S. If you want to hear about my latest and greatest ideas before you hear about them from the bald guy three cubicles down at work, you should subscribe to my blog.

P.P.S. Eric, Barack Obama has his own calendar, shouldn't you? If you make this calendar, you can be Mr. July cause it's so hot!

P.P.P.S. If you are one of the 38 people that didn't catch my CNN HLN NTM appearance, click HERE.

P.P.P.P.S. You could probably put the same images on everything from coffee mugs to shoes and make even more money.

Drunk Girl Car Alarm

Recently, my sister inherited a white '95 Pontiac Bonneville. It is in very nice condition, low milage, power everything, and an up-to-date service record from the dealership (No, I am not trying to sell you, my adoring readers, a car). It even has keyless entry and a car alarm, a car alarm so sensitive that it goes off if someone even looks at the car.

Don't know why, but I haven't known anyone with a car alarm in a while. Maybe everyone who really cares about their car has LoJack or Onstar now. Maybe The Club really is effective even when you just leave it sitting on your floor board 90% of the time. Or, maybe I haven't been around a car with a car alarm in a while because they are completely useless and ineffective.

When was the last time you heard a car alarm going off and even thought about going to investigate. Most people hate car alarms, and if you are someone who doesn't hate car alarms and think they are stupid, then you are either deaf or are some sort of electro-taint club DJ always looking for a new beat, a new sound... a new sound man... bro.

Guess what. Guess.

That's right, I have an idea for a more effective car alarm. I call it the Drunk Girl Car Alarm, and you probably already see where this is going. This car alarm would play a recording of two drunk girls giggling and yelling at each other.

"I AM SOOOOO DRUNK!"

"Becky Sue! Put your TOP back on...yur notgunna get laid tonight! Hahaha! What'r'you'doin? Hahaha!"

"Can you see my thong? Can you? Hahaha... I shouldn't have had all those Jello shots! Damn! I wish Beau was here... Where's Smitty and that black Mustang of his? Hu!"

"Hahaha! I can't waito getoutof these clothes...TAMMY! You want'm'to grab yur boob? FINE! Hahaha!"


If there are any guys within a half mile when these phrases are shouted with a slurred Southern accent, they will come to investigate. It's primordial instinct. This "Siren" call will be much more effective than any beeping, blaring, blubbering horn you could ever orchestrate. Plus, the kind of guys that are really going to flock to this... well...

You can make this a reality. You can make millions of dollars. And, if you are a good person, you can send me some of that money to say thanks.

You could find dozens of research papers and psychology books to support and explain the validity of this idea, but here are some sales points to bring up when you are trying to get start up money from venture capitalist angle investors (AKA your Mom and Dad).

1. You catch more flies with honey.

2. Women are told to yell "FIRE" instead of rape.

Make this happen!

P.S. I am still writing this blog, so you should still be subscribing to it... if you like me and aren't mean.

P.P.S. If you want to read my father's obituary it is here. It is hard to boil a life down into a couple of paragraphs. Try it sometime.

Cute Cure For Cancer

We need to find a cure for cancer.

Duh! Right?

The problem with cancer is that everyone forgets about it, like that rat inside your walls that doesn't bother you during the day, but at night it comes out and bugs the hell out of you, scratching and clawing around, scurrying furiously through the bowels of your home causing havoc and forcing you to imagine its little claws grubbing over the inside of your thighs. You want to get up and smash a hole in the wall, but you are in your boxers and just want to get some sleep. Then, when you wake up the next morning, you are tired, but you have forgotten about the rat until the next night.

Maybe you are sitting there muttering something about you not being that kind of person. Fine. You are the kind of person who would kill that rat right away, or have taken certain measures to prevent the rat from getting inside your walls.

Guess what.

It doesn't matter how many miles you swim or how many acia berries you gnaw on, if you live long enough, you are going to get cancer. You are going to get cancer. I am going to get cancer. Everyone gets cancer. It's just a matter of time, for me approximately 35 years from now... no... now. No. Okay, okay, start counting... now!

How do I know?

Well, my father, Charles McCarthy Jr. and uncle, Joseph McCarthy just died one week apart from each other from a hodgepodge of cancers. My uncle was 64 and my father was 71. My dad had been fighting cancer for about 5 years. He started with breast cancer, yes breast cancer.

Yep, I have 35 years, so all of you oncologists, 5k runners, and magnetic pink ribbon salesmen need to get to work, because we need to find a cure for cancer, if not for all of humanity, then just for me. You now have a deadline, 2044. This should help some of you procrastinators get involved, since I know you can't get any work done until the night before it is due.

I am not a doctor, and I haven't ever even played one on TV, but I do have an idea about how to fight cancer.

What is it?

Bunnies... cancer bunnies.

Simple explanation: Everyone loves bunnies. I bet cancer does too.

Scientific explanation: The path of least resistance is one of the fundamental principles of science and our understanding of the universe. Basically, everything in the universe behaves like your lazy stoner friend who cheated off of you in shop class and is, at this moment, crashing on your couch. Ironically, he is also probably the guy that will find a cure for cancer the night before the deadline I have given you.

Cancer is not an invasion of the body by some outside fighting force like the Russians and Cubans invading the United States in Red Dawn. Cancer is a rebellion, a rebel army, your cells turning against the rest of your body, like Patrick Swayze and the rest of the Wolverines in Red Dawn. Of course, cancer isn't as cute as Swayze, who is, himself battling cancer, just like he battled the Russians and Cubans in Red Dawn.

There are four basic ways a rebellion can end. One, the rebel forces win over the hearts and minds of the people, and a bloody tide of change washes over the land, such as in the French Revolution. Two, the rebel forces are all killed, ALL killed. Three, the peace is bartered through negations. Four, the rebels are offered an out, a way to leave the country that they are in without a fight. The Pilgrims got this option, and they took it because going somewhere else was easier than fighting the British army.

If we think about cancer in these terms, option one means death, options two and three are being attempted, but the fourth option hasn't been explored.

I believe that if the cancer was offered another, more hospitable place to move to, outside of the human body, it would go there instead of fighting, mutating, or moving to another part of the human body. Genetically engineered bunny rabbits would be my choice connected to the patient with some sort of umbilical cord that would allow the transfer of biological materials from the patient to the bunny. The patient would be treated for cancer, making their body an inhospitable environment for cancer, while the bunny would beckon to them like the most beautiful and alluring geisha in Japan.

The cancer would follow the path of least resistance, metastasizing and migrating into the bunny.

Cancer cured.

The bunny could then be given to patients with other terminal illnesses or people that don't want to have to take care of a grown up rabbit.

P.S. I am still writing this blog, so you should subscribe.

P.P.S. Here is the first hit single from my old band the Attractive Eighties Women, Mama, Get A Mamogram. I left the band to follow my dreams of not being in a succesful band just like David Lee Roth or the fifth Beatle. They are still going strong. Visit AttractiveEightiesWomen.com to learn what AEWsomecore is all about.

P.P.P.S. Here is a link to the obituary I wrote for my uncle Joseph McCarthy. I have to work on my father's right now.